Massive shifts since the solstice, yes? Feeling so grateful that so many things that used to trigger me wildly now usually do not ruffle my feathers. Isn’t this how it works? We spend years trying to change everyone and everything around us so we don’t get upset but then we discovered it is easier just not to get upset whatever happens. Yes, we have to pass through the ring of fear, yes it is not easy, yes it takes vigilance but thank all the stars in heaven there is something that actually works.
I woke up this morning remembering three things were triggering but, for the life of me, couldn’t remember the third. What! I am sitting in the spot where about six years ago something much less significant happened and left me in a sobbing heap on the ground in the fetal position. I swear if what happened yesterday had happened then I might have just given up the ghost. Now I can’t even remember 12 hours later what happened!!!
Beloveds it is so easy to slip into victim. IF you do, celebrate. Enjoy the heaven out of being a victim, dance, toast, honor that victim, you came by him honestly. As soon as we FULLY allow anything our relationship with it will shift. IF you feel like shit, FEEL IT down to your tippy toes. So much of our pain is from resisting what is. WE could dive into it all the way and then move past it so much quicker. Ah loves, I know it is no easy yet it is doable. I am laughing because if most people had my life circumstances they’d be shit sacred yet I am feeling huge burst of joy. What changed. I trust, full stop. Believe me, it was not easy to learn to trust when it looked like the Divine was either on vacation or had gone haywire. My dear friend Ngaireshared a beautiful thing with me. She said we are made in the image of God yet many get it backward, we think God is made in our image. Oh that God,, he can’t be trusted, that old backstabbing jerk. God is always a he in my letting god have it fantasies. Don’t worry, he won’t smite me. He loves to kid around and doesn’t take anything personally.
For months I could not write more than tweet length. Was a bit interesting yet I made peace with it. What I really want to write about today is my latest awareness. Trigger number three and how it could be a blessing. Got it. I see that I have learned to apply my fav lesson of “A Course in Miracles” to my life but not so much for my daughter, if i defend myself I am attacked. Ok, uncle, I get it. But slam bam thank you, mam, not so much for my daughter. If I defend her, I am a good mom, right? Everybody pretty much would agree with me. So trigger number three is coming home to roost. I tried to protect her from a situation I considered funky. No not exposing her to a mass murder, drugs, crime, evil, death-defying tricks. Just someone I don’t trust. Here’s the thing. Frist, she is almost an adult. Better let her trust her own instincts. Second, if she defends herself she is attacked just like me, She has great instincts and yet I trained her to be suspicious in this case. They say the best defense is a good offense yet I am learning the best defense is no defense. I know this is going to fly right over the head of many but those people are unlikely to read this. So trust me, I see it is harder for me to trust FOR her than for myself. But I will read the lesson again and trust trust trust the highest outcome will unfold.
Funny I just completed a book where the author says moms are also action heroes in their willingness to defend their kids. Yet I see now how I am not then trusting for my daughter. This is huge for me whether anybody else gets what I am saying or not. The one who always hears what I write is me. I will turn within, surrender this and trust the knowing I receive in this situation.
