As a child, I was conditioned to associate the gifts showered on me on birthdays or Christmas with love. Even as a teen I realized it would never really answer my yearning yet it was my favorite strategy to prove my lovability. About 20 years ago I realized I was needy and demanding, especially on my birthday. I tried to get my needs met first by asking for what I wanted and then, when that no longer worked, demanding and manipulating to get what I wanted.
This worked for a few years until my present/ gift slaves revolted, no longer willing to be subjected to my demands. So I tried to shove this needy, wounded, vulnerable part of myself into a closet and then to throw away the key. She would come screaming out every birthday yet since I found her so distasteful with her incessant needs and irritating inability to be satisfied, I attempted to shut her down through dropping all attachment to needs, assuring myself I could get free through nonattachment. I used the classic spiritual bypass, patting myself on the back for being so spiritually mature. I inadvertently was adding to my suffering through trying so forcefully to end my suffering.
Until this year. This desperately needy little one would not be shut out. I had broken the extreme attachment to presents with 20 years of desensitization training. Yet this lost, scared part of me was hidden unground, ready to pounce with her desperation. Having not been met despite her cries for help she would not be silenced. Luckily two Facebook friends Stefan Dragoshinov and Simona Rinfreschi helped me wipe the denial from my eyes and see her without trying to bully or bury her. Mind you I had tried answering her pleas with things and experiences so I was exasperated when that did not work. The empty presents were no substitute for Presence. I saw how I had been trying to eliminate this most desperate aspect of self, that had seemed so problematic for so long. Now that I had woken up, I did my best to listen to her needs, to not make false promises, to caress and cherish her. Initially, all was sailing along until a huge wave of panic threatened to engulf me. I became aware that I truly feared if I let her out of the closet, she would paralyze me with her neediness, swamp me with an inability to ever console her. My body became incredibly tight, my heart raced and my blood pressure soared. I became fearful of my body’s reaction to feeling all that was engulfing my mind, body, and heart. I honestly feared I might somehow not survive it, rather I might be drowned by her insatiable needs. It took everything I had and then some to hold as the waves of energy pummeled my body. Only years of training and a deep faith gave me the courage to stay with the process. I called on all the gods in the heavens, their friends, cousins, and neighbors to help me. I called on the big guns of spiritual support to carry me through. Then I had the feeling I was truly being lifted until the final wave hit. In desperation, I called an earth angel friend and sobbed out my seemingly inconsolable longing to be met, to be mirrored, to be loved. I knew that the external world did not have the answers yet I so wanted it to. I didn’t want to have to be the one to answer this desperate cry for help. Yet once the wave crested and washed over me, I felt this huge sense of relief to no longer have that skeleton eating away at me. I took a hot bath to ease the incredible tension in my body and fell into a profoundly peaceful sleep.
Here is what I know. These hurt, wounded aspects of our younger selves will no longer take no for an answer. The universe is giving us numerous opportunities to stop seeking externally. We are being called to meet our own longing, to answer our own cries. We may not know how yet we must feel it to heal it. It is time to release this deep sense of unworthiness, of being a misfit. The world does not have the answers nor will it reflect back to us our beauty. External chaos motivates us to find internal peace. Many have no clue where to begin and feel inadequate for the task. No worries, welcome to the human race. Call out for help. Be willing to love the aspect of yourself that is totally unwilling to love these frighteningly wounded aspects of self. Bring compassion to your unwillingness to have compassion for yourself. Our hearts are waiting for us to hear their cries.
