unpacking the baggage with blame or empathy

Parenting is such an awesome responsibility. It is also, to me, one of the greatest possibility for growth and transformation. We live with people who know our buttons intimately and are not afraid to push them. We cannot locate our buttons unless they are pushed so YEA, for those of us with children or in intimate relationship, we have in house button pushers, how miraculous! The question is, do we blame and judge those who push our buttons or who we get to live with when their buttons are pushed, or do we help them unpack? What I had the opportunity to observe last night was what happens to me when I am in a somewhat delicate balance and someone else with whom I live is acting unconsciously. In the past, I would blast them, angry that I had achieved peace and they were blowing my cool. When my nervous system was so hyped and consistently in the grip of anxiety, I would do everything and anything to feel peaceful. So when I felt calm and someone rocked my boat ANGER would erupt. Maybe an insight into my raging father from whom I  no doubt learned this behavior? In any case I have gotten much better and usually can stay cool at least on the outside. In fact I still sometimes go to my old standby frozen state, emotionally cut off so I feel nothing. Last night when another was complaining endlessly and coming from victim, unwilling to take action, I heard myself go into lecture mode. With children, aren’t we likely to pull out the “I’m the parent, listen to my lecture” card when we feel lost, uncertain, powerless or unbalanced? I find when I have no clue what to do, how to resolve the problem, I can feel powerless and angry the person cannot resolve their own issue. I then take on responsibility for something I AM NOT responsible for and voila, trouble, emotional co-dependency. So of course that goes over like a lead balloon and the child feels hurt, alone, judged, blamed, misunderstood or something similar. In this case I pulled away and back and examined what was happening. By now I can observe when I am charged, unbalanced and immediately look within to see what is causing the upset. This, to me, is the key to conscious parenting. If the parent is upset, the parent needs to first look within, rebalance and ground, send love to the part of themselves that is triggered and then resolve the issue with the child. Otherwise the merry-go-round of conditioning, unconsciousness, triggers and wounds gets to be played out for the millionth time. I became aware I was feeling like a victim of another’s energy, what Matt Kahn calls emotional co-dependency, wanting another to feel better so it does not rain on one’s parade. So I knew it was time for me to unpack my own bags, my own issue of feeling victimized and being emotionally co-dependent. So specifically, when this occurs, here is how to work with it: find out where in your body you are feeling the upset. Send I love you’s to that aspect of yourself or part of the body. Know that for some time the consciousness will experience this new loving attitude as unfamiliar so it will not be accompanied by warm  fuzzies. Do not expect to feel good and loving just because you said it. You have to ride this out, however long it takes until consciousness can accept it as familiar and thus release accompanying good feelings that FEEL loving.

So once you have regained your own center, taken care of your own wounded inner child, now is the time to talk to your child. When I did this last night, I was able to move into compassion and empathy. Even when I came from that energy, it looked like I was getting nowhere fast. My attention was met with the appearance of indifference. Yet low and behold, within a short while, the dynamic shifted completely, peace and harmony were restored and there was now willingness and possibility. The long term issue was far from resolved but now there is a little space to see what evolves. So remember, rule number one of parenting, love your own heart first and always, and then see what kind of parent you are.