My sense is that children now are forcing parents to adapt a new, more viable parenting style, one no longer resting on control and domination. The old do it because I said so just won’t fly with many of these children. Years ago I heard a woman say she and her mother hated each other. She said it with such vehemence and anger. She said they were always fighting with each other, two forceful beings. When my daughter was six I already saw we could ended up headed in that direction and that was literally intolerable to me. I began to devote myself to another way.
At least with my daughter anything that smacks of control, manipulation, force always blows up in my face. Years ago, especially around the topic of school, I used every forceful parenting regime I could discover. I tried love and logic consequences, full force control and punishment for non compliance and my relationship with my daughter continued to devolve and our home felt like a battle ground on bad days. And I am talking basic level compliances from wearing a jacket in winter, to eating a vegetable to getting up for school or doing homework. We’d have knock down drag out verbal conflicts until I’d end up tearing my hair in exasperation. To say it did not work was a major understatement. Until we both reached the end of our ropes and I was forced by circumstances to try another approach. Morning had become so stressful for me trying to physically drag an 11 year old out of bed. Such stress was unbearable to me first thing in the morning. I have told the story many times but one morning it was just too much. When she would not get up I turned to my Way of Mastery/The Course in Miracles books and looked for another way. Now mind you I had been forced just six months earlier to find another way with my dissolving marriage. The answered turned up the same both times. SURRENDER.
Two days ago I saw a seventh grade adaptation of The Wizard of Oz which reminded me of when the wicked witch sky writes, “surrender Dorothy” in huge letters. That is how it felt both times. Surrender did not feel like an inspired choice, rather a required choice. So imagine my surprise when both times it worked a charm, in time that is. With my daughter it worked immediately. After pondering what surrender could possibly look like in this situation, while imagining truancy courts, police, major repercussions popping up in my fevered imagination, I surrendered on hands and knees and let her sleep through until she woke up naturally, quiet as a lamb and totally cooperative when I asked if she was ready to go to school. We never had the problem again. What did I attribute that to, to that one event? No, of course not.
What shifted that day was my perspective. Given her learning differences, homework was a battle field of me trying to force her to do her work. Given my beliefs about the vital nature of school, it took quite some time before I learned this was a powerful lesson. What shifted was my ability to see through her eyes, taking the time to put myself in her shoes, letting go of my beliefs that lack of success in school doomed her to a life of scarcity. It was not easy as I battled years of conditioning from a family that values education above all else. I had to confront my fear for my daughter, my assumptions about what makes up a good life again and again. Yet the more I did, the more I saw how blind I had been.
During the same time of this conflict I was working with a coach to improve my health through diet and exercise. He would often push me beyond my limit and criticize me for every mistake. I told him I did better with acknowledgment but he blew past that for quite some time. He continued to push and critique and I felt often inadequate and diminished, woefully unsuited for the task. It finally dawned on me this is my daughter’s experience of school, of many children’s experience that don’t fit the stereotypical good student. I worked with my coach two hours a week, she was in school approximately 35 hours a week. I began to imagine having to do physical training 35 hours a week and pictured being one of the worst no matter how hard I tried. Suddenly I had overwhelming compassion for my daughter and was rather incredulous I had not been able to see this before. Yet I know it is not uncommon to only be able to see from our own viewpoint. Beliefs are like computer programs that cannot be overridden.
So I began to question every belief I had about education. I began to consider how the situation impacted my daughter and what she was feeling. I began to have genuine compassion. Slowly things turned around. I found books saying that the correlation between education and later success is not longer so strong. In fact it said creative thinkers are the one’s that will do best in this fast moving, ever shifting economy. My daughter is extraordinarily creative. Could that position her for a higher level of success then good grades would? I began to question every assumption I’d ever had. I had also been extremely frustrated by the conflict we had about taking responsibility around the house, cleaning her room and so on.
Fast forward to today. Generally my daughter does her homework without me even checking. She cleans her room every weekend and lately has also begun doing cleaning around the house. She makes and sells her jewelry and photography. She sometimes reminds me of a limitation or instruction I had given but forgotten. In other words, it is a complete shift. The level of harmony and cooperation is one I dreamed of and yearned for, our affection for each other is a source of great joy. Discovering how completely our relationship and dynamics have changed by no longer coming from the “I’m the parent, you’re the child so buck up” parenting model had changed my/our lives. We offer each other mutual respect, understanding, support and love. Now that is a relationship worth working for.