This has been a week of powerful insights and awakenings for me. The most powerful was witnessing how profound my trust was as I knew my absolute safety despite being close to a significant fire, just outside the range of mandatory evacuations. Alone in the dark and cold with no power, I slept soundly knowing I would awaken if I needed to act. This helped me let go of some of the last vestiges of rooting myself externally and instead grounding myself within, knowing I was aligned with Source.
Yet the riches kept coming. Yesterday, speaking with a friend helped me clear up probably the most significant remaining resentment and hurt with my daughter. As a child, the only time I experienced love was at Christmas and birthdays as I was showered with gifts. About two decades ago, it finally landed why I was so attached to presents. First I asked and then I demanded gifts as a show of love. My birthday is close to mother’s day and my wasband (ex) and daughter decided I had to choose to get gifts one day or another. This drove me crazy. After we divorced, my daughter kept the tradition. It hurt me deeply in the past. I would beg her to just make me a card, anything to prove her love for me. Why not, so easy right?
It is only yesterday it finally dropped. My daughter has always proved her love to me in innumerable ways. While I saw this as an exception, as cruelty, yesterday I saw clearly how, in fact, it was another way she was proving her love. Someone in the group had a similar story that helped me see clearly. My daughter was holding steady in her love for me, refusing to cower to my ego. She refused to belittle us by bowing to my egoic demands for assurance. Rather she held the high ground, forcing me to dig deeper both in my self-love and my ability to see past appearances. I now see it as her not allowing me to cheapen myself, believing unless I got gifts, I was not loved. She helped me unravel the last of this old painful wound. I bow.
