Wholing the joy thief

Two days ago I discovered a joy thief who has lived in my home, in my body, in my being and stolen so much of my life force. I thought I knew the face of this thief and had devised brilliant strategies to deal with him but turn out to be mistaken about his true identity and what is effective in wholing him. While I no longer label or name him as I find that keeps me stuck to the tar baby even more, the name I formerly called him is anxiety. Now my strategies for dealing with this energy seemed to work, at least in the short term. The plan was basically to embrace that energy, to allow those tight, choking, agitated feeling albeit while holding my nose and praying it would go away. This worked and I knew years being relatively free of an energy I will call “anxiety” for simplicity sake. That was fine when that energy would no only reappear for a few hours, then a few days, then a few weeks but now fairly consistently for over a month. This forced me to see a few things I was missing. First, I noticed that when that energy is present it is like a plague that blankets my life force with a cloud that let’s in little light. I withdraw from life, try to keep quiet and still, hoping a low profile will keep the energy at bay. I am at the mercy of this energy. It is a monster that lurks under the bed, ready to pounce at any moment and bring me to a standstill. So this hope that it will permanently go away strategy is not working anymore. Yesterday it was gone for a whole day and I felt joy. Today it is back so do I now just stop life until it goes? I also notice that I often associate it with something specific. It used to be I looked for and found a reason in my personal life for why I was feeling anxiety. Now I tend to blame it on the intensity of the ramped up energies or solar flares. Same difference really. I also tend to have blinders on when it is around and I have a habit of missing or downplaying when that energy is gone. All of this is human nature. So I was perceiving that it has been almost constant for over a month but in fact the whole week I was in Nevada, it rarely showed up. So I am falsely perceiving my own experience in a way that definitely does not serve me. I also tend to think everyone must be freaking out like I am. I even believed that anyone who has a challenges with the energy called “anxiety” would have to be freaking out in this intensity. Luckily I discovered this is not true, that life long suffers of “anxiety” are almost totally free from it now, today, despite the intensity. So I see my mind is playing a rigged game with me where I often lose and feel a profound heaviness or even mild despair. So what was my awakening the other day? What I realized is I can never out run this energy. As long as my focus is on trying to get free of it, I only sink further into the quicksand of my own mind. So what is the only alternative? This is something I have known intellectually for years yet could never truly do. Thank heavens, it has finally dropped from my head to my heart. I finally get it. I can’t run, I can’t hide. I can not let this rule my life. I must finally learn how to live with it, to actually find a way to be at peace, maybe even enjoy myself DESPITE feeling this very difficult energy. What I recognize is other difficult energies do not capture me like this one does. I had insomnia off and on for 15 years but do not identify myself as an insomniac so I don’t freak out when I can’t sleep. I just deal with it, knowing it will pass but not fearful if it does arise again. Not so with “anxiety.” Since it had been my life long ecompanion until maybe about 17 years ago it has become part of a core identity that imprisons me and robs me of joy. It is the boogie man that can shake me with a single boo. So if it is mildly present as it is now, I can become afraid it will escalate, afraid of my own fear. Interestingly I had fairly extreme “anxiety” Thursday yet I decide to enjoy my day anyway AND I DID. I began teaching mindfulness at our local prison to a group of 23 women. I was totally aware of the “anxiety” pervading my body AND aware of how much I was enjoying this opportunity to share this gift. I am sure if they could have seen my internal experience, they would have been shocked. So many of us think we are the lone ranger, the only ones suffering. Forget it! The gift of these times is there is a final way out yet very few have reached that internal freedom so stop comparing yourself. Your suffering may be different from mine. Perhaps it is chronic pain, a physical disability, a crumbling relationship, depression, drug addiction or a myriad of other sources of suffering. There is truly only one solution. Turn and face it, feel it. But it goes beyond that. I have felt the experience for years and that does tend to relieve it in the moment yet it comes back even stronger because I am still resisting it heart and mind. I am feeling it in the moment yet still saying no no no, go away. Now I know this is super hard to do but what I am recognizing is I must turn and say, yes, you are there. You may or may not ever go away. I must learn to live with you in peace. I can choose to go about my business with or without you. I can live again fully. I no longer choose to be terrified of this energy “anxiety.” Whether you stay or go I will live, I will thrive. I am aware I have moved through and beyond many difficult energies such as unworthiness, criticism, judgment of self or other, blame and so one. I am still alchemizing doubt, scarcity, the energy others call anxiety and ultimately I will face death. I am currently releasing comparison. It no longer interest me if others have more or less self doubt, scarcity, joy, fear. The one thing I know I have a profusion of, the one thing that took me decades to realize is love of self and other. So I already have the greatest gift. I can not make myself let go of these other difficulties, I can only intend and attend. I already see how shifting my filter from a primary focus on anything that could potentially trigger the energy others call anxiety to witnessing the buds of joy in my life is making a difference. For many years I allowed heavy energies to dominate my life, no more. I will live and live well whatever arises. I am thrilled to be so clear what my passion and purpose are to embody them daily, regardless of what I feel. Fascinating I came up with this awareness and then was shown a book by the man I am co-facilitating with at the prison. The book delineates a therapy called ACT that is based on the same conclusion I have reached. It is called Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (A New Harbinger Self-Help…Nov 1, 2005 by Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith. I know it is not easy and probably no one chooses it until they see all other doors are closed. But when you have had enough, know there is a way out. I wish there were an easier answer but I cannot tell you the relief I feel, yes even joy, that I have discovered how to free the monster that has haunted me all my life. You too can be free of whatever monster limits you, terrifies you, frightens you. I highly recommend the book even though I am only a few pages into it. If it is too hard to do alone, I would be delighted if you would like to sign up for a session. I am a wounded healer/wholer for sure. I know each of us can find our own way home to internal freedom and joy. I wish you godspeed on the journey.

P.S. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my launch date for RaisedinLove.com  Happy birthday