Exploring guilt and hopelessness

These themes are playing out in a big way for me, want to explore further.

Monday saw a woman at the grocery store who had a challenge. I was easily able to help her. It took maybe 5 minutes, she called me a lifesaver, I felt great. Tuesday saw a homeless man and an injured squirrel. I could not find the inner space to be present and help the man; with the squirrel I tried yet was not able to help. This lead to a sense of profound hopelessness and guilt. I lay on the earth and asked for sustenance to move through.

Today in a group, with support from friends, found a way to quickly move through hopelessness by real eyes-ing in an embodied way that every time I pay attention and offer love, it does make a difference. Hopelessness left. Guilt remained.

Taken back to memory of volunteering at a mental hospital in Chicago, age 20. I did volunteer work from age 15 trying to find a way to be with the internal empathy that was so alive to suffering. A certain memory of the hospital was so brutal I immediately went numb and stored it away like a museum piece then. In the group I tried to embrace it yet was not spaciousness enough. The facilitator offered to hold with me as an experiment to see what would happen. Others agreed and so for maybe 13 minutes they stayed silent as I dove into the memory. At first I was overwhelmed and flooded yet slowly vast space and love opened in the nervous system and in memory I knelt down and hugged the boy who was repeatedly banging his head against the wall (one small part of the brutality of the memory.)

This is how we create the new earth; a string of internets gossamer thin yet unbreakable. I KNOW this is what will be, this is how it is done. I KNOW it is enough. I KNOW.

p.s. still have not resolved the guilt that arises as I feel unable to support a certain loved one. Interestingly another loved one is suffering much more and there is no guilt as I know I have done all I could and there is nothing further I can do. Do not yet have clarity around the shadow of guilt.

I am moved to share this image again. Trust I will be guided ultimately to this atmosphere of heaven.