spiritual ego

Once we stopped blaming everyone and everything for our problems, we tend to turn inward and start the shame. blame game there. When that gets a bit old, a favorite is the spiritual ego game. Spiritual ego is thrilled to have a job and gets to work using impossibly high standards to let us (kindly of course) know what a failure and worthless piece of crud we are. You are not kind enough, generous enough, don’t meditate enough, pray enough, think positive thoughts enough, so what can I say, it is all your fault, sorry darling, but hey I love you! Sound familiar?
This is the trance of spiritual ego. Not pretty and is very clever and insidious. Will use whatever tradition one embraces to show us how we are falling short, not quite up to snuff.
In my TTC group this weekend, I asked the group how I was doing with the 7 key principles. While I received sweet affirming feedback, my heart was in my throat. Why? My big sin I was afraid would be revealed was that I knew spiritual ego sometimes hijacks me. I was able to witness with tears all the hidden guilt that has buried me in.
Yet the Mystery so has my back. Just 7 hours later I was given a beautiful experience to bust through that trance. At the time I did not receive it with grace. I was confused, sad, lost. I did my best not to blame myself or the other person yet inside I felt stunned. Ths person had been triggering spiritual ego in me for months. I even called it out in our conversation yet I was still lost in the trance. My intent was to join, connect but spiritual ego was running the show. I reached out later to a local miracle buddy who, also lost in spiritual ego, affirmed how I was “right, the other “wrong/” The whole thing was a right/ wrong, ahead/ behind game that I actually engaged with, albeit reluctantly, even saying this is nonsense yet still falling for it.
YEt the next morning an angel named Amber helped me break the trance and open my eyes.She showed me how to embrace this friend as the angel she is, see her innocence and my own and wipe the confusion from my eyes. With her support, we joined and the jig was up. I now feel so free and guiltless and truly embrace the sister who so kindly played her role in irritating me with constant triggers. I woke up early as euphoria sweeps my body. I am so grateful this happened and sent the person a thank you note. Now as I think back on what happened, I see it is theater of the absurd. It is hard now to believe that I fell for it. Yet at the time it felt so important. I just couldn’t see it clearly. To me, that is why it is so vital to join with another to break that trance of unworthiness, of needing to prove ourselves.
Darlings, the spiritual ego is one of the last idols to fall. Forgive yourself and all involved. Be gentle and kind as the scenarios play out. All is well and thank goodness our awakening is not in our hands. The Mystery has us covered. Must run. Sending you all a most delicious love wave.