beyond suffering, belonging to life, stay the course

As I was sitting on my deck I had tears in my eyes as I realized it has been 16 days since I have suffered and 18 days since I found the key that has allowed me to pass through the eye of the needle beyond suffering. I feel like I should get a token, Hi, I am Savannah and it has been 16 days since I last suffered. An owl is calling to me, a sound I adore. The breeze is cool, possibly the last cool day before the heat of summer breaks, seemingly tomorrow. I am feeling this wave of deep self appreciation and joy as the seemingly endless journey of suffering has somehow miraculously shifted. Poems often speak deeply to me and this one carried me through many a dark night. I am immersed in the feeling of belonging to the family of humanity/huwomanity.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver

People are asking me how I got free. I can say this, it is a process for sure. My guides told me I was being taken through the process at breakneck speed, at times to the point I was sure it would destroy me. I can’t remember how many times I thought, I can’t take it anymore, this is absolutely intolerable. Last month I know I thought it numerous times. I began to explore the value of suffering, what it had taught me. I must admit I still have trouble accepting a planet where the mode of learning is generally through suffering yet I see it is so. I went through so many stages of this journey. For so long I thought it would never end, life on earth would never be free of some degree of suffering. Yet now I find myself free. I am certainly not living an ideal life, I still currently lack much income and have other challenges yet no longer suffer with those circumstances. The journey was not easy and came with what felt like a high price but since there is no other game in town, might as well play. I know that most of us have to pass through threshold after threshold of challenge. A decade ago, despite years of inner work, I am talking actually becoming a therapist to try to resolve my identity as one who suffers, I still discovered on so many levels I truly hated myself. I had to take it step by step, returning to love with myself. It was and is a practice that has required devotion or as The Way of Mastery says, “vigilance for the kingdom.” The suffering finally got so great all of me surrendered to the Universe, saying do with me as you will. My words today are to ask you to stay the course, don’t give up in the darkest hour, do not become lost in despair, hold on to trust even if, as was often true for me, it is only by a hair. It seems many of us with intense life long suffering are now emerging as way showers, shining a light on the path to freedom. Please hold my hand, together we will find the way.