A post I shared on angel academy in hopes it may serve someone to find their way out of suffering. It has been so liberating! I actually somehow feel good and am beginning to enjoy myself despite all the intensity; what a ride!
Beloveds,
A quick check in to share what is unfolding for me. The last few months of suffering had me asking deep questions about the value of suffering. For about 2 weeks something significantly challenging happened every single day, sometimes 2-3 things a day until I was afraid I would lose my marbles. That was followed by intense physical suffering when I was alone and not sure if I should call an ambulance which I would have if I had not seemingly (still not sure) lost my insurance the day before. I was not a happy camper. I knew it was for the highest good but not sure I could withstand the pressure which was quite intense and very physical, heart-rate literally unable to be measured by my heart monitor and blood pressure off the charts. I also could not stand up, super dizzy, unable to get to kitchen for food/water. Why was this happening? How could this be for the best?
Here is what is unfolding for me. It was so bad I literally couldn’t take it anymore and underwent significant transformation. I said WHATEVER happens I will call it good and trust all is well. At one point I literally thought the top of my hear would come off and I started hyper-ventilating. So since then whatever happens I affirm I am a master of love and all is well. Today I am busy from 7am-10pm and had little sleep for 3 nights. In the past I would have allowed that to cause suffering. Now I am able to just move along. It is not comfortable and I am tired but I am not adding on the additional burden of feeling I am suffering because of the tiredness and business.
Yesterday and tomorrow are similar in terms of being busy. I taught a dance class for the first time, forgot the instructions on the technical things, could not get music to play, lost the CD which when found would not work etc. Whatever happened I called it good and TRUSTED! So tired I could not think straight yet people helped me and we had a beautiful class focused on the theme of self love. I had them dance love for themselves yet I also gave them permission to do the opposite. If they did not want to say I love you’s they could do as they liked. At the end I shared a process and told them they had to do it wrong and I’d kick the ass of anyone who did it right. We were on the floor laughing our asses off, so playful. I was full out MYSELF, no longer holding back my love in fear of how my big heartedness would be received. I find i am increasingly fearless in being loving, so inspired by Jeff. People keep giving me things for free, first for my birthday and now daily. I got a free coffee, jewelry repair, brownie, major discount on furniture at thrift store to replace my broken down chairs, free ticket, and more stuff I forgot. I hugged tons of people including a security guard, the employee at Salvation Army and the bag boy yesterday who paid for my banana when I could not find change. I feel increasingly abundant despite little income. I FEEL LIKE MYSELF like after all these years I am me! I have three more days of intense busyness and I know all will be well. I also have to thank Maureen who dialogued with me about ending suffering. I now see the intensity of those months forced me into a new relationship with suffering which is to leave it in the past and not suffer regardless of what arises. As I contemplated trying to get to the hospital that day I stayed calm and trusted I would make the right decision. I had moved out of drama after they day I hyperventilated, saying I can not get this upset ever again. So far so good. Sharing this in case it is of service to anyone.I know so may are undergoing huge challenges and I send you all my love.
UPDATED:
I forgot to share one vital part. I feel like what turned this around for me was recognizing how much I had been abandoning and resenting that part of myself that I saw as creating my suffering, the part that is so sensitive, gets easily overwhelmed and goes out of body, that has lived with such debilitating anxiety. When I saw how I had rejected that part of myself, I fell into deep compassion and honoring of the gifts she has brought me such as compassion, empathy, love, intuition, gentleness. She is such a dear and I am slowing learning to adore her! This has changed everything and while I am still experiencing discomfort, no more drama, major triggers or suffering. Feels like the Universe is saying, holy cow, she got it, thank God we can lay off her because now she focuses on love and mastery instead of limitation and suffering. Yippee! Ticker tape parade. I adore myself, how did I get so lucky as to be born as me! Now I can say that and mean it, hooray! No more seeing myself as the booby prize! I adore myself, for real, and not just the yummy parts.