anger, frustration, Mystery and surrender

Beloveds,
I am on to what has been a major source of separation in my life and I am sooooo ready to blow it out of the water. Writing here helps me get clear. I feel a lot of energy in my solar plexus as I write. Here is what is up. My father was a rageholic so for me, my childhood felt like being raised in a terrorist stronghold. Turns out one of my family’s way of dealing with pain is anger. No surprise there and it has forced me, given my great love for this person, to go round and round with this. So much has shifted and she dropped her bossy/ controlling aspects once I came to peace with them, all aspects of my dad. So last week for the first time I was able to stay safe in my body and neutral in the face of her anger. Then a few days ago for the first time ever I stayed present and held with her in loving support as her anger turned to tears.
Whenever this person is upset she tends to say something angry, about revenge, hurting someone etc. even though she never acts it out and is alternatively unbelievably sweet, loving, generous, giving. Lately the balance is shifting more toward anger and less toward loving. I find it harder to sustain my loving attitude when the anger is more frequent. Yes, I am always sending love to my own heart, yes i remember to say I love you and send my inner child my love. Yet often I feel a sense of separation from her and my own heart in those moments. Sometimes I say unkind or judgmental things to this family member. Of course I am suffering in those moments and I am fully conscious she is too. Today my nervous system was very reactive. We had some very sweet tender moments and then so quickly it can turn to anger and I am like WTF? I realize I have zero control over her anger and that no matter how much love I offer her, that does not necessary change her experience. So I am ready to regain my own power, my own equanimity, my own peace, my own connection to Source. To do that I have to learn to make peace with anger, to even love it. Let me take a moment to express my frustration that the path to wholeness requires this of me. I want to take a moment for a shit fit. Anyway, I am the one in separation and I am the only one who can restore myself to wholeness. Since the I love you’s are not moving this mountain, I am turning it over to the mystery. I have no clue how to move past this, I just know the Mystery does so I surrender to that.