I just came from a fundraiser for our local Friendship Club that supports at risk girls sixth grade until age 18. I was very moved by the event as I realized with greater clarity how many at risk children there are. I also saw a movie recently about two children of drug addicted parents and their extreme struggles in living with any dignity or hope called “The inevitable defeat of Mister and Pete.” When I think of what my daughter’s fate may have been had she not been adopted I cringe, not become of the culture and traditions of Guatemala which are so colorful, rich and alive but because of the extreme poverty and lack of opportunity she would have likely experienced given her family of origin and all the challenges her birth mother faced. When we fist met my daughter on a hurried trip to Guatemala, 12 days after we knew of her existence and 14 days after her birth, my heart was open wide to the joy of her entering our family and the tragedy of so many women, girls having to make the often dreadful choice to give their child up in order to ensure the child’s well being. I cried for day with joy, celebration, completion of a long held vision and knowing of my daughter’s destiny in our lives and profound grief that any woman had to make such a heart wrenching choice.
Knowing how difficult it is to raise a healthy, happy child under the best of circumstances, seeing such tragedy and challenges strengthens my commitment to my own daughter and to my intention to support others in being more conscious parents. I recently had the opportunity to work with several young men waking up to their own wounded inner children and to how that plays out with their physical children. The first step of seeing, of waking up to what is can be heartbreaking, shocking, uncomfortable yet ultimately so essential and the first, critical step in restoring the relationship to wholeness. If I could share one thing that I most wish to convey to parents it would be this: oops, I realize something comes before my favorite parenting skill and that would be ALWAYS to love oneself, to love one’s own inner child so that the parent then has an open heart to share love with their child. This is the foundation of all parenting to me. So O.K. it is my second foundational parenting opportunity and one that does require presence and skill, the ability to hold with the child when they experience emotion, to allow the child to feel what they are feeling IN THEIR BODIES so they do not become the walking heads too many of my generation are. To support the child in allowing the emotion to just be energy in motion as it is meant to be. To help the child know how to feel their emotions without expressing them inappropriately externally or repressing them, this is perhaps one of the greatest opportunities and challenges we have as parents. Because in order to do so, we must be able to do the same ourselves, no small task. All our own suppressed emotions are likely to come barreling out in response to our children’s emotions. If we do not allow our emotions to flow, if we do not support our children in allowing their emotions to just be as they are, the emotion is stored in cellular memory and begins to form dysfunctional beliefs. If the emotion is repeatedly denied, if circumstance keep triggering similar reactions then an identity can be created. These core identities are then the most stubborn and difficult to release, to dissolve. When we train and support our children in emotional intelligence, emotional understanding, we can save the child untold suffering that can turn into physical illness if buried long enough. Show them how to move the emotion with sound, movement, song. Show them that their emotions are neutral, are safe. Be honest with your own emotions, model expressing your feelings with responsibility. I am feeling angry right now and I notice my jaw is clenched and my body feels hot. Or I am feeling sad right now and I have a pain between my shoulder blades and my eyes are burning. Demonstrate that emotions are not to be feared but are rather messengers showing us that our needs are not being met, that we are out of alignment with our own well being.
Clearly this is a vital skill for parents, one that is surprising lacking in “civilized” cultures. Indigenous cultures often have numerous ways to move energy such as dancing, singing, drumming, fasting, community gatherings. A women I knew from Africa told me that in her village every one would fast weekly and do a colon cleanse together as a community. Can you imagine that here in the USA yet how incredibly supportive of health that would be. Can you further imagine living a life where everyone in your family experiences flowing emotions, allowing and supporting each member in enjoying a whole hearted, passionate, vision fulfilling life? Why not, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and one of the most crucial steps is merely to feel what you feel, allowing, trusting and yes, even loving it.