I am having trouble writing with the intensity bearing down on me but if I don’t get things down quickly, they slip away so will try to make this short and sweet. Yesterday I had an Oprah ahha moment. My daughter and I were having a peaceful evening, chatting companionably. She is having trouble in Spanish and was explaining why. From her perspective, a lot falls on the teacher. She asked me if I wanted to hear why. I quickly said no. From my perspective, she was moving into victim, group consensus mode and my spiritual ego wanted to read her the riot act yet I merely said no. The energy in the room shifted to polar freeze. We went from ultra harmony to major upset in three seconds flat. It was so radical I had to take a look at it. My shift out of empathy, listening, presence was definite yet I thought mild. Her experience of that shift told me otherwise. So I regrouped and said, go ahead, tell me and she returned to a balanced place. What’s the big deal? Some might find her behavior manipulative. In fact I often have others comment that they see children as manipulative, especially people with no children commenting on children’s behavior. I do not see manipulation, I see unmet needs. Now the meeting of needs sometimes requires major negotiation overtly or under the surface so resentment does not arise on either side. For me, the word manipulation already carries what non-violent communication calls an enemy image likely to have one speak in jackal rather then giraffe, to speak from ego rather then heart. The shift was so abrupt and radical it made me really pay attention. How quickly as parents we can move into one up lecture mode. I find I am seldom heard when I come from that place. Yet when I come from my heart, I am always heard and met with respect and cooperation. Something to consider.
Information on non violent communication from Marshall Rosenberg, a system I studied for some time:
MARSHALL: The purpose of the model we use is to enable us to respond compassionately to ourselves and others, and to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others.
We call the language that we teach “giraffe language,” though its official name is “Nonviolent Communication.” I use the image of a giraffe because it’s a language of the heart, and a giraffe has the largest heart of any land animal.
Unfortunately for myself, I was taught to speak “jackal language.” You see, a jackal is closer to the ground. They get so preoccupied with getting their needs met that they just can’t see into the future like the tall giraffe. Jackals speak in ways that block compassionate communication, because they’re motivated out of fear, shame, and guilt…
…A third type of jackal language is a demand. As I use the term, demands carry a threat of punitive action if not acted upon. For example, let’s say I just asked you to get me some water, and you reply that you are tired and would appreciate it if I asked someone else to get me some water. Then I say, “You’re just lazy. I’ve done more work than you have today.” We would realize that I was making a demand because of my attempt to punish you through shame for not acting in harmony with my desires.
I learned about the self-defeating nature of demands when I was a practicing psychologist. I spent many hours talking with children who weren’t doing what their parents were requesting. I learned that the kids were receiving those requests as demands. The children would tell me things like, “I don’t feel like studying when my parents threaten to take away my allowance.” Or, “Would you feel like taking the garbage out if your parents said that you were lazy and irresponsible?”