on self acceptence:
I rarely wear make up, maybe once a month. Yet when it came time to choose a photo to use from my recent photos, I heard myself say repeatedly, if only I’d had make up on, why didn’t I put on make up? My two favorite photos were me as me, no make up. The photo that turned out to be most popular (thanks for the feedback) was the one where I looked very put together, the lighting was perfect at sunset, my hair was combed and I looked like I rarely am, like I have got all my sh*t together and am just sailing along. Yet my normal way of being is disarrayed, disorganized, “makeupless,” yet fully engaged, doing my best to say a giant YES to what is arising in the now.
While the energy of disappointment at the photos that were “makeupless” was not significant, it was enough to have me pause and look at how much I still feel the need to wear a mask, to appear other than as I am, to not accept my natural way of being. I have recently come to witness how much i have abandoned a crucial aspect of the personal self, the one that gets overwhelmed easily, that is highly sensitive, that used to feel everybody’s energy and thus was usually found hiding on top of a hill. Luckily I no longer feel individuals within the collective only the general malaise of our times. It is so easy on the spiritual quest to abandon those aspects of self that are uncomfortable rather then embrace them as primordial energies with us for eons that have come for our forgiveness and acceptance as ancient messengers of belonging and completion.
Years ago I had to spend literally decades reclaiming the aspect of self that so desperately needed love to come from outside of me. Yes, it took over a decade of indirect focus and some years of direct focus to restore this aspect to wholeness, the same to rebalance the energy formerly known as anxiety. Now it is overwhelms turn to be welcomed Home. How I have cursed and abandoned you. How I have begged for mercy and asked for you to be taken away from me. How I have shamed and blamed you. Please, please forgive me. Tears pour from my eyes as I now speak for so many who have done, are doing exactly as I was, cursing their sensitivity, telling the planet to go to hell as long as we each personally can be released from what appears to be a curse of feeling so deeply. No more. I publicly apologize to my own abandoned sensitivity, and I can feel myself, in this case, more than willing to speak for each of you dear tender hearts that feel like you would pay any price to be removed from this tumultuous time on Earth, who wonder if you can survive the ever increasing intensity. I beg pardon for all of us and embrace all of those sensitive beings whose hearts are so crucial in ending the madness of violence, greed, competition, destruction. Yet it must begin within.
We can not do violence to our own hearts and expect to heal the planet. As within so without. It is so clear to me that the American dream is completely ass backwards. Individuality, competition, striving, where have they gotten us? Tons of suffering. Pursue happiness all you want, just know you will never find it. Why, because we will try to grasp it anywhere we can find it, led by our needy hearts. I have literally gone around the world twice before discovering exactly what I was seeking in the one place I had neglected to fully. explore, within. Yes, the Homecoming is coming piecemeal and way too slow and convoluted for my taste. Yet it is coming. I am also realizing, “real eyes-ing” that it in ONLY in giving that we truly receive. Our trying to get comes a sense of inadequacy that is directly counter to the Truth of who we are and keep us locked in separation.
I said to a client the other day, yes it cost not less than everything yet I have found the door and it is open. For this, I am eternally grateful. To have lived so long with a closed heart, to miss the love and beauty that surround us daily, no. Just in the last days have I come to a deeper appreciation of the energy formerly known as overwhelm. Yesterday I realized the weight of energy of false responsibility was literally intolerable to me. I can no longer carry it. I saw that experiences that appear as though they are thwarting me and my heart’s desires are instead clearing lifting the red flag to alert me to danger. I am so grateful now (on a good day) for my early warning system that alerts me to hidden guilt, shame, blame, fear before it has to be taken to dis-ease. I honor and bless this aspect of self and now am (slowly) embracing it and asking for forgiveness. I am learning I am slowly becoming incapable of efforting, of trying so hard, of operating within the egoic thought system. The contrast is just to great. The ease and bliss arising when I come from Trust and Grace are to enticing to ignore any longer. Join me dear friends in choosing again, choosing tranquility, serenity, calm. Let those words wash over you. Join me in the deep rest of repose. Let ease lift us, drop all need for control, let go of the steering wheel. Simple, not easy.