If you are following me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/raisedinlove?ref=hl, you know I have been dithering about my words for 2015. So many sound so juicy. But one is in there 100% INNOCENT! Matt Kahn has been emphasizing that word for a while but it is only a few days ago where it dropped from my head to my heart. I had just been to 5 Rhythms dance. I had so many subtle awareness during the dance. The theme was separation and I was able to notice moment to moment, in a merely observing way, where I was relative to that theme. I could notice when I made eye contact and quickly let my eyes slip away, feeling distance, witnessing when others did the same, when a story was flying around my noggin of others being so deeply embedded in community and me having had to experience so many years of isolation. I even felt some jealousy or envy about that, something I very rarely experience. It was wonderful to notice without any self judgment and I took time to appreciate what a miracle that was. When it was over I talked to a few people put no one asked me if I was going to lunch as they had the other two times I was at 5 rhythms. I got in my car and that is where the epiphany occurred. I had waved with enthusiasm to some friends and then was deciding to go home or not. I thought, darling, why do you not want to go to lunch with yourself? In this moment, you are acting like that would be the booby price. I had quite a talk with myself and my innocence shone through with blinding light. I can only approximate it with words but in a flash I saw all the ways I subtly judge and alienate myself, observations that have been arising for quite some time piled together. I saw how, despite my professed and genuine self love, there was still a shadow side where I was the poor cousin at the banquet, reluctantly invited. All very faint and indistinct yet there underground. I SAW myself and fell even more deeply in love, with all my foibles and quirks. I said sweetheart, let’s go to lunch and I felt a wave of exuberance and joy. How delightful to be able to have lunch with myself! But really.
So off I went. As it turned out I met one acquaintance there, then a friends showed up, another friend and so on. We were a small but sweet party. Yet the honored guest in my own heart was ME.
Can you catch the wave change? I have been playing a new game with myself called what if? Today I need to play as I could feel myself in judgment of my procrastination (a word that already carries judgment) getting a class outline completed. I was 90% finished on December 23. I knew I could push myself to complete it but not in integrity, only with will power and control. I made a conscious choice not to do that yet still sat on the edge of minor discomfort that it still was not complete. Yesterday was the day I committed to finalizing it yet the day ran away from me and an unexpected situation occupied my time. Again I could have forced myself to complete it but choose not to, yet with this underground self disapproval. I even called out to my innocence, sending I love you’s to my heart yet boy did I feel the undercurrent of displeasure. I knew the whole thing would not take long yet could not, would not force myself. It has been quite the lesson. Then today I just could not get myself going. I finally completed it YEA! around 3 pm. The whole thing has been an invaluable lesson as I see I still have rules for proper conduct which I give myself a hard time for violating. Of course, I have ethics and values I could never betray without feeling uncomfortable but this was different. This was me having a hard time, alternating between compassion and the whip. So here is where the what if game came in. I have had gentle nudgings in this direction for a little while. The first time it occurred to me I felt the most wild sense of freedom and expansion. So what if…. I am not lazy, a screw up, defective, inadequate even though I have not yet accomplished what I feel so fully in my heart. What if I am not stupid for not pushing myself when I feel tired or just plain out of sorts. What if that is my temperament and I truly have been upgrading my field and heart space and that has taken up all my energy. What if I am not risking myself financially even though I do not have a “job” and am watching current available funds dwindle. A relative threw that word at me decades ago, devastating me as it reflected my own self judgment that I was living so far outside the bounds of conventional society. marching to my own drummer while constantly questioning my own motivation and self worth. What if my vision is true and everything that has happened over these last years has been necessary to get me where my heart directs. What if all the times all I could do was lay around, all I could do was lay around. What if I never was meant to go faster, further, with more determination. What if I am perfect the way I am?
H O L Y COW
CAN YOU EVEN GRASP THAT?
WHAT IF YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG BUT ARE PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE?
CAN YOU FEEL THAT?
I sure can and it is good and very good. The sense of relief is astonishing. It still bounces off my mind like a skipping stone splashing across a pond. I can barely grasp it, in fact I cannot grasp it at all, It is not something to be held on to, it is something to allow to dissolve in one’s being, the sweet nectar of innocence. I hope this post can give you a taste as this is the most nourishing broth I have ever savored. Le
t’s all drink deeply.