On judgment kindness and letting go of enemy images:
This is super alive for me. A month ago someone told me she was judging me and it dropped me into a deep wound from childhood, the feeling that somebody in my life was trying to extinguish my spirit. It was super hard to let go of the idea that something had been done to me and take full responsibility for the depth of my reactions. Two weeks later when I was in the same group I was convinced I had ownership but it turned out I was still self-righteous. It sent me on a deep quest to explore judgment and kindness, how to share challenging information with kindness. It has been such an incredibly rich exploration.
About a week ago I discovered that in order to do what I came to do on this planet, I would have to face one of my deepest fears. I feared that by going out into the wider world I would meet unkindness and that I didn’t have the stamina to handle that. Over the last two months I’ve repeatedly encountered challenging situation that forced me to go deeper within. Several times I wanted to blame another for how I was feeling. It took everything I had to take ownership before speaking to the person and in each case when I did that it went fabulously and create a deeper intimacy.
On Wednesday a man again expressed judgment of me in a group. By now I knew the drill. I had already committed to being curious when others judge me. If the judgment is accurate, then I should take it in. If it’s not let it fly by. When the man expressed two judgments of me the first one flew by and the second one landed. I Felt myself ground deeply into myself and sit incredibly erect with an immense power flowing through me. I kept my seat and stayed curious. I felt exhilarated initially. Yet the second judgment had landed and I had to sit silently for maybe 20 minutes to let the sensations move through before attempting to speak to him again. It turns out he lives locally but will be moving across the country in a week. Yesterday I met him in person to work through what had come up between us. Both of us approached each other with some wariness. But in the time we were together we shared deep deep honesty and transparency and yet with kindness. One of the most amazing things I discovered is that my way of expressing dissonance for him felt unkind indirect and unsettling. His way of being So incredibly direct felt unkind and unsettling to me. So while I still have many questions I am grateful for these experiences that take me into ever deeper self-awareness.
One other experience has deeply moved me. I had an ongoing challenge with AmeriGas the propane company. After nine months no one could find the answer to what was causing a bill to keep re-appearing even though apparently I had never received the propane. I kept being given erroneous information until a few days ago. I would sit patiently as I was passed from person to person but ultimately I would get agitated. This time when it happened and I started getting angry, she literally could not hear me. It seems she had found the answer but I had moved into a blaming energy and she ended up hanging up on me because she couldn’t hear me. That got my attention. I sat so long until I could approach it without an enemy image aka NVC. I ended up getting exactly what I wanted even though all together I spent about 2 1/2 hours on just this one experience with them. I keep getting the same message. Anytime I create an enemy image I have hurt myself. I’m sharing this because for me it is one of the deepest realizations I have ever embodied. Hoping it will save someone else having to go through so much pain to come to the same realization.If even one person gets something from this, my time is well served.
Later: I forgot an important part of the story. In both cases a sister was holding energy for me. In the group when I was judged for being sensitive, my sister, Donna, who is also a sensitive was beaming me a scrumptious energy of support that I literally could feel. I consider being called a sensitive a compliment so that was no worries yet the other judgment kind of knock the wind out of my sails.  this sister sending me loving energy was so helpful. And when I met the man later, I had another sister send me energy at the time of the meeting. I knew I was being held in the field on so many levels. What a godsend.
