Here’s what’s Alive for me this morning. The line of energy that’s been running for me over the last few months has been to drop defensiveness and taking things personally. A month ago when a judgment came in , I was wide open and it knocked me flat. I spent a week crying, grieving a deeply felt childhood dynamic.
So I was impressed that I was willing to go back into the same group with many of the same people and again expose this wild heart. The feeling of having no defense was so incredibly visceral. I literally was clutching a toy I’ve had since I was two years old, BrrBrr. It’s hard to explain what it feels like to have no defensiveness to feel completely raw and open. I was sweating profusely. My heart was pounding so loud.
My friends asked me why I do it. Some see it as seemingly masochistic. I had to ask myself why do I do it? I do it because the lesson I came here to embody is if I defend myself, I am attacked. Lesson 135, ACIM.
I have an inner guidance that is so clear to me. I was given my marching orders a week or two ago. I was shown that until I cleared this obstacle, I couldn’t do/be in the world what I came to do and be. I had the inner strength to know that I would care for my inner child regardless of what might come to me.
And this time I was able to do it and be aware of the energetics of what I perceive to be in the people in the group. This time I was able to not just focus on myself but to be curious what was alive for the others. This time I felt as though I could see more clearly into each heart. Thank God. I am absolutely aware that the defensiveness is a layer of separation.
Interestingly, twice when I’ve been in this raw state a man in each of the groups asked me if I was sharing how exposed I was in order to prevent people from judging me, criticizing me, “attacking“ me. I sat with the question because I had shared without thought the level of my vulnerability and exposure. So I thought about it and I realized that no I wasn’t doing it out of manipulation. I did notice some sadness that people seem to experience it as some level as asking people to show up inauthentically to simply state that I was completely raw. I noticed wondering what the motivation would be to bring criticism to someone who was in such a state. As best as I can tell it’s the desire to be authentic which I totally understand. What I still have difficulty understanding is why someone would not be willing to also bring what they have to say with kindness.
I recently was exposed to the work of Susan Campbell and that is one of the guides that is operational in this group I go to. To say the thing that remains unspoken. I can absolutely see the value of it but i’m not getting why anyone would want to bring that unkindly. I don’t know her work very well at all so I don’t know whether she talks about this. I only know the way it’s showing up in this group i am in. I’m so deeply immersed in the teachings of ACIM, TWOM, ACOL where what I do to my brother I do to myself that it wouldn’t occur to me to deliberately bring something without kindness. So I deeply respect Susan why people want to bring radical honesty. It’s also a significant value of mine Yet for me the missing element is to bring it with kindness.
Over the last weeks I brought two things or maybe three to people that were radically honest and very difficult to say. In one I cried profusely. But I waited until I was centered in my heart and brought it with all the kindness yet honestly I could muster.
I went on a tirade in a group last week or maybe it was this week who knows. It was actually Wednesday I remember now. One of the women wanted to make me president. Along with the Dalai Lama I will say my “religion“ is kindness. If I were president I’d want to make it a law but of course that wouldn’t work. Instead I’ll simply share with radical honesty that I wish to live in a world where everyone has a base, as a foundation, the desire to be kind.
PS. I just said to a friend I write the words that are on my heart. I write it whether or not I think others will be interested. I write it because it helps me get more clear. I think I’ve been able to break the desire to be acknowledged or to be approved of. At least that’s my desire. To only bring forth what is alive and true within me.
Shoot I have to come back and edit this by adding what I’ve discovered. In my survey of five women and three men I found out that the words that felt kind to women did not feel kind or helpful to men. The men seem to prefer a more direct approach that for me felt unkind. And the approach that felt kind to me felt unkind at least to these three men. It’s a bit more of a sticky wicket than I thought. That’s why I love one of the principles of the Circling practice I am devoted to. Get shared reality, meaning check with them how it lands and see if what you think is happening is what they are experiencing. And then I can go from there trying to find a balance point between us.
