I guess it was about two weeks ago I considered cutting all contact with a relative as a certain situation felt so hurtful to me. I am so glad that instead I have used the catalyst to sit with some ancient grief and unmet needs. It has been the motivation to go deep within.
I had decided to do the cut when the person reached out with some seeming care about our relationship. The email punctured what I now see was a one version story I had of this person. I had told the story of wounding like rosary beads, repeating the story endlessly to anyone who would listen. I had turned the person who I have seen only once in many years into a caricature of who they are. Apparently this is quite common when we have been deeply wounded.
When I even tried to question that 2 dimensional version, I could feel the huge parts inside who wanted to hang on to being right, to being hurt. Why?
What I realized is I was not addressing the young one who was scared that again her needs and feelings would be swept aside with some spiritual bypass kumbaya false forgiveness. My inner child Suzie was simply not having it. Hurray for her!
By chance (ha, no way) I heard from an old friend who actually knew this person. He has supported me in writing different responses. Each one revealed to me more of where I was blaming, projecting, not taking responsibility for my own needs. It has been quite painful to dive ever deeper into this core wound of separation and how it played out in the details of my life. I am so glad I didn’t just cut the person off and let the skeletons still lurk in the basement.
I have finally written a version that feels true, authentic, self aware, compassionate. I have no idea if I can really be in relationship with this person given what appear to be our very different temperaments and ways of meeting our own needs. I have had to own how I certainly have not been available for a long time to meeting this person’s needs, how I had become frozen, exactly mimicking my energetic feel of my childhood. I have had to face how hurtful my own behavior has been, how I put unfair pressure on this person to resolve or support me heal in a way that seemingly was not in in this person’s range.
Bottom line. It has been super rich. I have had to revaluate many relationships and how I placed my neediness on others. One major benefit? When a beloved showed up today with a change of plans that might have blown me out of the water, blown me into blame just six months ago, I met it with relative equanimity. Why? Because I finally have enough inner Spaciousness to show up for myself and not let my inner child alone, abandoned. I am here for her and that is enough. Just sharing in case anyone who offered support finds it of interest. Will plan to send the email tomorrow and see what unfolds from there. The one thing I know I have gained, inner freedom and compassion for self and other. What a ride.
