Today’s relationship focus is on being human. This recognition of the cognitive dissonance I have had with being human keeps intensifying lately. It was in 2005 I real eyes-ed I hated myself, 2009 my outgoing message was about our family being star beings temporarily residing on earth. Many of my friends were realizing how hard it was to live on a dense planet. It took until last year to stop blaming myself for that challenge, for being so sensitive. I imagine there is still some blame/ shame in there.
Yet just a week ago I fully claimed my star origins and lots of shame dropped away in a flash. Yet what is slowly being uncovered is all the ways this split still continues to impact me. I spent just a few decades playing the human game fully before I devoted myself to the spiritual for decades. Yet during that time the care and feeding of savannah became less of a priority and more difficult. Throw in my gene keys and enneagram type and it seemed I was doomed to flail continuously resenting being human. Until winter solstice 2020 when I was given the command to lay naked on rocks. Thus began my journey of embodiment, fully taking on being human.
No surprise I was in a community that negated being human. Then had a deep friendship with a man who trained me to negate the human to reach higher levels of consciousness. It worked until it didn’t and I said goodby to all of that.
Yet it is only this week that I more fully see how much this negating the human has cost me. For months now I have slowly been getting better at keeping order in the house, feeding myself. Luckily I started caring for the body more completely over a decade ago.
Yesterday I was literally asking myself how to care for this human. I have cried as I asked my human for forgiveness for all the ways I neglected even abandon her. I asked what to do next. Clean the kitchen, prepare a loving and wondrously delicious lunch. While I have finally been willing to cook meals that take over 10 minutes, until now I did it with a bit of resentment. Yesterday each step was taken (more or less) with love.
Was thrown off when all my holidays plans were erased one by one. Could feel myself want to scramble to distract myself from the discomfort coming from this recognition of a subtle level of self abandonment. Not surprised when none of my stop gage measures panned out. Also not surprised to encounter neighbors on my walk and notice how enjoyable it was yet does nothing to alter this aloneness. A play very much in progress.
Am delighted to notice two loved ones are unable to help me with things I cannot do alone and they had promised to help with. Truly delighted to honor them taking care of themselves. Can witness it is hard for them to say no to me. Delighted I meet their no with honoring their freedom. This is a huge shift for me as in the past I would have moved into resentment or victim. Yet the feeling of not being supported at the level of human was playing out. Thus my new theme song.
I called it in 1999/2000 when I spent a year creating an archetypal figure I call Beloved. Her boots have roots and she has wings. I anticipated this journey back to wholeness back to the elevated self of form. It took me decades of serious attention to claim more fully my Divinity. Now to reclaim the human. Let the play continue and many MANY blessing to each star-seed. Light-worker, anyone who has gone, is going, will go through a similar process. So much love.
I had written but not edited this when I read a post from my friend Matt. It helped solidify this need for wholeness, for wholeheartedness. Everything else is just too exhausting.
