So much coming up about relationships in the last days, want to write to try to clarify what I am recognizing. For me there are so many ways I used spiritual bypass to negate the visceral response arising in the body and try to “choose only love” negating my human/ instinctive response. What I real-eyesed in the last weeks is I have to let the human have the shit fit, the rage, the resentment, frustration, irritation. If I talk to the person from that space, the blame energy always boomerangs back on me and it is a mess. If I can allow my response and reaction and then speak to the person with absolute honesty, this is my experience and this is what I need and see where it lands. I have been exploring dissonance for many months and the thing I recognize works the best is to fully feel and allow the body sensations, even name them. Otherwise I tend to freeze and/ or withdraw or project.
Today another issue came up where a loved one wanted me to do something I consider possibly unsafe. It was so hard to feel the others resentment, irritation and I had to sit outside to let the agitation pass through the body. Lucky my focus in the Presence Process is “I integrate charged emotions.” This is the last more significant special relationship/ co-dependent energy I have. It felt so scary to risk the relationship with the other to hold in integrity with myself. I had to sit with very significant discomfort not to back down. I tried to bring my visceral experience and reasons I felt unsafe to the other. I hoped to feel understood. What is new is I could be non-regulated/ triggered and see beneath the story my mind was telling me that the other didn’t care abut me, love me etc. I was able to look deeper and recognize the likely trauma unfolding for the other. In one case I was able to quickly back down and re-open my heart. In the other my own reactivity did not allow me the bandwidth to stay open to the other. It took about an hour of processing and luckily a group scheduled today on dissonance for me to play act the scenario, speak honestly about how sad and scared I felt to re-open my heart. From that openness, I was able to find a mutually workable solution.
The other challenge for me is control. I had a mentor who said the two real viruses are victim and control. I cleared the majority of my victim programming yet the control is still playing out. This person is currently staying with me and to witness how their choices and mine, their apparent values and mine can vary so widely and to let go and let the other make the choices they wish to make and let it go.
If you have read this far I will acknowledge this person is a young adult and I am the parent. So to let go of false responsibility, that I can control choices even when they don’t feel particularly wise or save to me and keep my heart open, mama mia what. ride. I am definitely in charged energy graduate school. Yet I feel like huge icebergs of the ego are caving off and floating away. I feel 100% certain these situations are handcrafted by my soul to get my attention and drop even more ego structure asap. What a ride. Can’t tell you how tossed around I feel. The image perfectly suits what is arising for me! Yikes!
And trust me I get the other is “ what is up with Savanah and her values, why can’t she relax and trust more etc”. Seems the younger generation certainly has less hangups and silly rules, need for control than I do, And I would say most of it it is right, yet I have to go with my current level of awareness, my human’s ability to process and not override to either be loved or be more enlightened/ conscious then I am. Had to choose whether or not to abandon self hoping to keep another’s love intact. Yet by being honest, trusting we actually are going deeper. At least that is my hope, creating a firmer connection based on honesty and not self betrayal to maintain some false equilibrium.
