The last days have been so jam packed with revelations feels supportive to try to get it down in words. Friday I was feeling bliss and so connected to nature and everyone I met. On Sunday I switched to week 2 of the Presence Process. The focus words are “I recognize my reflections and projections.” AND HOW!
I had a friend staying with me. Sunday night I could feel a sense of separation arise after the previous night of feeling so close. We has been exploring our Gene Keys together. Her life is filled with the one thing that I still experience as missing from my life, the one big dream that has not yet been fulfilled. I asked her about her life and she reported that it has contained no major challenges. WHAT?!? It feels like my life had contained one challenge after another, had been so painful on level.
I suppose my life on paper has seemed grace-filled. Yet the kicker for me has been the challenge of being human. Since Sunday so many pieces have fallen in to place. I choose to chronicle them.
I went to bed with envy for my friend yet could not articulate even to myself what was going on. At dawn it dropped in and happily I was able to share the envy with my friend before she left, clearing the air. Then my electrical power was turned off for the day so I did a first inquiry call of a series of four that I had committed to. I did it at the gym outside not to disturb others. But I was not dressed warm enough and had to keep moving as the sun shifted. I had gotten permission from both other participants yet asked more than once if it was ok. One person said she felt irritated that I was repeating myself. The call was to explore the meta-reasons we do or say things so I was guided to explore why I felt the need to repeat myself. I discovered a discomfort in my right back shoulder and had the feeling I had to watch my back.
By yesterday I had become aware of what was a felt sense arising form pre-verbal “trauma.” Throughout my childhood I felt the danger of rage might erupt at any moment for anything so I was always scanning for danger, afraid anything I did might be the cause of the rage being directed at me. This is what the body was moving through. Also in the call the facilitator said we would all end the call when my phone lost battery. She was surprised by how deeply moved by this. The profound grief that arose was the further recognition that no one in my childhood was able to meet me emotionally AT ALL. Being a HIGHLY emotional child, this was devastating for me. A friend “happened” to call me and being in her presence opened a space for me to begin to further grieve that loss viscerally with tears.
Then in the next circle, someone explored why she felt sometimes unable to connect to me. I revealed that sometimes the inner grief or sensitivity arising required all my attention and I did not have room for outer connection. This again triggered the grief of the immensity of how hard I have found it to be human, something I only began to truly accept solstice last year.
Later this person said she wished she could support me so I would not feel alone. I told her something I had never said or felt before. I said I don’t feel alone as I feel connected to my soul and nature. On Monday during the call at the gym, at one point I turned around and faced the pine trees that towered over me. This heart expanded with tears as I took in their majesty that filled my being. During the call yesterday, a redheaded hummingbird hovered near my face and this heart was filled with joy and connection.
About half a year ago, I heard spiritual teacher Jeannie Zandi say we think it is other people we crave but really it is our Self. While this has not dropped in fully, part of me knows I am more fortunate to be connected to my soul than to another. I know my period of deep isolation forced me into a profound connection with Self. I know if I had to choose to be connected to other or to Self, Self is more important. Yes, ultimately there is no other yet to get to that knowing, I must be connected to Self first. Finally dropped from head to heart. So my envy was misplaced. (big surprise) I know as I anchor my connection to Self the personal self drops away and in that I feel connected to all in such a visceral way.
In fact that is what happened in that call. After expressing the deep grief of my pain of being human, of being able to pick up the energy of someone in a European country I had never met just because she was being discussed and how that keeps me aware of the suffering of the world, I dropped into the spaciousness and connection of no self only Self. My Gene Key says the way for me to be healthy is to allow ALL the suffering of the word to pass through me. Are you shitting me? That feels like quite a tall order and previously mission impossible.
But the awarenesses were not done, In the next inquiry, initially it was me and four men, something that had never happened to me in a circle before. Then one woman joined but I commented on the gender distribution without knowing why it was significant. It was only later it dropped in. I was still in grief and the men, from my point of view, hold it quite differently from women in general. They did not energetically rescue as I often feel in circles happens very subtly by checking to be sure the emotional one is ok. They did not check or “placate.” I recognized the reflection felt very uncomfortable and I projected some lack of concern on one man n particular and the circle in general. I later reflected on that to see what was up. I remember a dear friend doing a talk on her revelations about this, how she wished her partner would hold her emotions more and the partner wished she would be different in a particular way. I had to recognize that not being somewhat indulged in my emotions felt like “uncare” since my emotions received I would say zero support as a child. Shewee, so much awareness dropping in and the eclipse is days away!
The other miracle is I have been able to keep embracing, welcoming, surrendering despite the intense discomfort. When I resisted back in July/ August the suffering was so intense I have recognized that saying yes and amen to whatever arises is way more comfortable than fighting what is.Go figure.
Finally I was guided to listen to someone’s near death experience. He says of course yes he is blessed to have known “heaven” yet it makes it hard to stay on earth with all its density. In the same way, as one of my Gene Keys says, I am from the future. I carry in my DNA or somehow the codes for the future. I feel it viscerally how glorious it is to live on a planet based on equality, cooperation, kindness, freedom, care, gentleness. The contrast for this one is NOT easy to live with. The challenge is to accept this, to accept I came to play a role now and I did so willingly. Yet it is not easy for me and I need to accept that to.
This is the character savannah’s journey. I adore that human one, so sweet while acknowledging she is the character I AM is playing in this life. To find the balance of loving the human without identifying with her, what a ride that has been and still is. This is written for the character’s benefit in re-membering my own Wholeness. Reading others stories of Remembering has helped me so much at pivotal moments. Should this serve another, bonus points.
My Radiance – what keeps me healthy – Gene Key 13
There is a deep ascetic aspect to your nature. You need to set up regular periods of time to be alone with yourself and nature. Your body craves time away from people so that you can connect in to the source that unites all people. As someone who can be highly empathic to others, you also draw great strength from nature, and she helps you in processing and purging the many impressions and experiences that move mysteriously through your body. Your greatest danger is the fear that you cannot handle being human, and that you cannot face being with people because it overwhelms you. It will only overwhelm you if you are holding back some secret part of yourself. Your protection from the suffering of the world is to accept it so totally into your being that it passes right through you. The greatest secret of your life is that you have no secrets from anyone.
My Purpose – what deeply fulfils me – Gene Key 7
Through your life, a part of human evolution is yearning to be fulfilled. You are not here to make any particular individual achievement. Even though you may perform many great acts, of themselves they will not bring you a true sense of purpose. You are a being of the future and you carry a seed of the future within you. Your service to humanity, whatever it may be and however insignificant it may appear, can one day grow exponentially. What gives you a sense of purpose is to facilitate events and people far beyond any individual capacity. You know that your dreams cannot be fulfilled in a single lifetime because they are too large, so your real job is to help others come together more effectively and easily. In this way, you are laying the foundation of a future that is actually a collective dream rather than an individual one. You hold an aspect of this dream of what the earth could one day look like, and your true purpose is to put into operation the aspect that you hold. What it will become is beyond your single life, and that should bring you joy.
