Ok cuties, hearing many of my beloved have been taken on quite the ride. When I write down what I am experiencing, it sometimes supports me in greater clarity. May it also perhaps bring comfort to “another.”Sunday was such a god *was suppose to say good yet god fits better) day. A friend told me his primary experience of me is what I most valuable about myself. I felt so relaxed and peaceful. I spent over an hour cooking and enjoyed every minute, fully present. My dinner guest was delightful and I had a wonderful time with wine, fire and even sweets. I woke up Monday feeling off. As the day went on I became so cold I could not get warm. I had a class that is difficult for me called coyote circling and just running the circle my body felt worse. Being with a client felt uplifting. Later I passed out for a few hours. Yet for the later part of the day. deep feeling of meaninglessness dropped in. I was tired of the whole game, it was pointless and exhausting. I simply had not enough spaciousness/ energy to hold myself through the intense physical pain I was experience throughout the body. I felt incapable of holding my experience. I did not judge that yet felt rather helpless. I also have been having eye challenges and thus am choosing to severely limit screen time to take care of the eyes. Normally the Presence I experience while circling supports me in holding whatever arises. /luckily I had my ACOL group and felt safe coming without my screen turned on. I did feel held and much better, able to go on. Yet the next day I was enervated, weary, listless. I had none of my usual outlets. Two key relationships are not available to me for one reason or another. I had an inkling of what was going on but honestly did not care. Today awoke feeling better. I have been continuing to do my 32 day process not linking energetically in the suffering of others. Today I was in a lovely birthday circle and my body stayed relaxed the whole time. It was only in my walk that things dialed in. I felt relaxed because I had zero desire to fix or change what I was seeing in the other, even though it was very powerful. I was fully present, my heart was open and yet I felt no suffering! Eureka! I had not desire to fix or change, no sense or responsibility and thus could remain open and relaxed.
I have been missing my trees and rocks so drove my car to the end of my driveway so I could take a short walk without the steep climb. More dropped in. As I have said, I am reviewing ages 0-7 in my Gene Keys course. The primary experience of my childhood was living in what felt to me like an emotionless environment. I often described it as a frozen tundra. Was this the visceral experience the body was bringing forth for purification? Further, for the last years I have turn to mySelf for spaciousness and comfort. Yet I had the idea this Self was an extension of savannah, a higher aspect of savannah, simply a wiser, in touch, limitless savannah. Now conceptually I had another image yet it remained an idea. In my short walk, it dropped into an embodies awareness. What is holding, me, us, all, is the Field. It is not one thing, one person. Prior to now when I flip out for much of my life I looked to another for salvation. As that co-dependency dropped away there was still some residue. In the last days no one was available and I knew that was on purpose, i knew my eyes were supporting me in real eyes-ing something. I KNEW it was never some high savannah, improved savannah, instead it was the entire Field that includes EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. No clue it anyone will get a taste of what I am articulating here. ALL i know is I am breathing a huge sigh of relief. My darlings, huge hugs of support. The equinox energies appear to be taking many to a very deep and not uncommonly dark place. The intention is benevolent yet man oh man can it be a ride, at least in my experience. You are not alone, We are all held by the Field. May that tingle in your toes and may you KNOW you are Loved, you ARE LOVE
this initially seemed unrelated yet now not. I was going through some old phone messages and heard a relative who has been dead for years telling me she loved me. Then I heard another relative leaving another message for my daughter telling her he loved her. Both of these messages were particularly significant as, for this culture, the words “I love you” I was told repeatedly, are just not said except to a husband/wife. So from the grave to hear these words spoken, was somehow to tap me even more fully into the Field/ the Mystery that literally transcends death. The second relative is now fully deaf and lives thousands of miles away so to hear both these voices touched me deeply.
