Lately I keep experiencing pockets of grief. Each time it happens I am in connection with either one person or a group holding in Presence. Out of nowhere, seemingly, huge waves of grief arise. I have a story that this grief has been pent up for a long time. An energy worker told me over a year ago that in six months I had processed much of my rage yet I still had a lot of grief. I was shocked and dismayed. I had 3 or 4 burst of incredible rage and generally experience no anger yet had cleared up much of my anger. Yet despite many years of grieving off and on I still, she said, had a lot to go.
So perhaps I should not be surprised that lately so much grief arises. I go in to intense and radical experiences of grief which usually last about 10-15 minutes then often pop up into laughter and incredible spaciousness. One of the themes of the grief was poverty. Seeing extreme poverty, hunger, destitution on my travels particularly in Asia left an imprint which I am finally transmuting. This week the grief about being separated from my tribe, feeling so alone for so long as an empath. My friend Matt yesterday asked me if I allow the homesickness for my star home/ galaxy. I told him I had to stop that as it use to overwhelm me with the urge to return to a place I have known that is so gentle, so kind, so peaceful. He suggested I allow it again as this is the very energy I came to bring here. Yet both of us recoil when we see loved ones speaking or acting violently, Both of us are not yet able to neutralize violence. Definitely a play in progress for me.
And just to throw in something else that is arising. For about two weeks I am beyond wanting to fight injustice. A number of people are reaching out to me locally to fight all the crazy loss of freedom that so many are saying yes to. Someone told me she is relieved as for her with the shots and new government things are returning to normal. I have been incredulous at the level of blindness and felt it was my role to wake others up by naming the insanity that is so blatant to me. Yet recently I am drawn to only what brings me joy and peace. Yet guilt arises that so many are losing so much at the level of form and surely I have to fight! I feel guilt that I am choosing not to answer all the emails asking me to fight this way or that against the injustice. Yet my body says no.
The violence I do see is all the ways I have been violent to my human aspect with the hopes of spiritual liberation. That no longer works for me. I am craving simplicity. craving community. First of course I need to continue organically recovering ever increasing inner spaciousness. And then I know I am here to bring the incredible connectedness of my “home” to this place and this time. Yes feels like mission impossible at times, so daunting, And yes so many tears for humanity arising lately. Seems if one has a compassionate heart, grief is inevitable. Don’t know when or if I will ever empty the well of grief. I now see I just organically let whatever wants to arise to arise. I do my best to chase nothing and Trust everything, Definitely a play in progress. I write these musing as they help me clarify my own Being. Perhaps they speak to another. And so much gratitude to all those i am encountering lately with such loving hearts and access to inner Presence. My gratitude is unspeakable. Yes currently my tribe is almost exclusively European with people I mostly have not met in the flesh. Yet I have a very strong sense we have met before and will again, if not in this life, then in the next round or two. I bow.
A video on the tears of humanity:
