Keep getting the nudge to write about my new year’s eve experience, the first I have ever spent alone. I have had a luscious day so far yet been alone for a few hours. Can feel some faint clouds wanting to land, to be alone on new years eve means … not sure what- that I am not popular, loved, belong?
Even to write such words feel ludicrous yet the truth is this is perhaps my least favorite holiday yet numerous times I manufactured some thing to not be alone in the past. Not something I was so excited to do, just something to assure I was not alone. Had two fabulous new year’s eve, abnormal formal where you wear PJ’s or formal and at a farm in Austria outside in the moonlight dancing the waltz to the Blue Danube. Had one in New York City with millionaires. I had forced my sister to find a party and I hobnobbed with the rich and famous, hearing how their horses they owned had done at the race track. Hated most of it.
Not this year. I had a scrumptious circle in the morning where in the space of 25 minutes, i dove into profound grief, tears of exultation, using the f word left and right and expressing being a bitch, feeling a vast inner expanse, feeling capable of connecting to others regardless of how they were showing up, ie. not needing to scan for safety, feeling roots extend through this body as far as my upper thighs, crying frequently from grief and expansive joy, laughing huge belly laughs, knowing I have reached an inner experience of BEING LOVE I had yearned for all my life. Then I got to sit in silence in the sun for hours lapping up the strong light like a purring cat. Then a coffee shop where a friend shared one of the most delicious sandwiches I have ever tasted, then gym and sauna, buying a new dress on sale that is simply divine, ordering Laotian food and eating half in the car, stopping at a lake to gaze at an exquisite moon and coming home eating some bites of Mexican chocolate cake that is worth levitating over, used the Japanese exquisite bowl I got at a white elephant to finish my take out food. .
Truth is I am tired and haven’t slept long in a number of nights. I am so relieved to let go of my previous need to prove something to myself and simply flow with the moment. Also found out my yes buddy (thank you Kim) gifted me a sauna certificate, yea! I had intended to have magical encounters throughout these two days and I am. A sweet conversation with two women in the locker room, a fun conversation with a man in line at the grocery store who told me to stuff a turkey with a Cornish game hen and then say the turkey had given birth. The whole thing was so ludicrous yet I delighted in the delight of this older gentleman sharing his joy in tricking people. Another quite old man was behind him and joined in the laughter. Then ordering the dress and smoozing with the woman. Soon I will watch Suits and check on Ross who is in jail so I am a bit worried (ha).
Will not do any of my usual rituals, waltzing to blue Danube at midnight, melting tin figures to see what my future holds. I doubt i will be up to get my usual call from European relatives at midnight. The greatest gift of 2020 for me has been the clear vision that belonging is an internal job. As that inner separation fades away, how scrumptious to feel unified with an ever expanding field of life. And another fun gift of 2020. Most people now guess my enneagram number is 7, something NO ONE would have guessed years ago. Tickles me. So loves whatever you are doing or not doing this evening, or have done, I raise a glass to what I suspect will be the wild ride of 2021 and say a fond farewell to 2020, thanks for the memories. Cheers!
p..s I know I am not alone thinking in the past something was wrong with me if I spent a holiday alone. Someone told me he was depressed when he thought he’d be alone and almost manic when that turned out not to be the case. Slowly I GET IT, alone is all one.
