A friend of mine said she perceives me as doing well now. Overall, that is very true. I would say the primary reason I am doing well is I finally faced and ultimate surrendered to any and all fear that arises within. What does that mean? This year I had two limiting beliefs kicking my ass big time. In the summer I truly wondered if I could live on earth in joy given the current chaos and this one’s particular nervous system. It looked like a big no and this one had to face her own feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, incapacity, victim. There were definitely moments I doubted I would make it. It felt like David and Goliath and fear was Goliath. Several friends held me during those very dark days. They refused to believe in my sob stories, that I was a victim. They refused to honor my fear, rather they held in the land of Truth and kept calling me to cross the bridge of illusion. Now these are simply placating words until they become our lived experience and that is NO small task for most of us.
I just went to a free even with Jeannie Zandi about solitude and loneliness, the topic that I am currently a bulldog on a pork chop with. This summer I had to dive in to primal fear again and again. I had to devote all my attention to what felt like a life or death call, to get sovereign. Living alone was fuel to the fire. I had no one to depend on. Getting though co-dependency and special relationship was BY FAR the most challenging thing I have ever done and it basically took me 20 years of dedicated attention.
This summer I saw I would not stick this messy planet without joy. Sweet relief when the false belief finally crumbled on August 5th, my daughter’s birthday.
Yet to get there I had to enter the labyrinth of the mind, the howling emptiness of primal fear. The first time I entered that void space in January, I was lucky a brother was living with me and pulled me out by my bootstraps. Inner trauma was too deep for me to do it alone. The Universe provides. Now apparently I had my big girl pants on and could face it alone. Or as All One.
But there was definitely collateral damage along the way. I had to lt go of a beloved relationship to jettison all weight to make the climb. While this was a soul agreement that served us both, it was heart breaking.
For me it is vital I balance the fear dives with incredible self compassion. I have to allow myself to be weak, to be frightened, to want my mommy. I have to find ways to sooth this frightened creature that feels so out of her depth. How to balance both?
Then in October my relationship with this nervous system was up for grabs. I was convinced all my life that I was a victim of sensitivity. I spent the last 2 decades hiding out and dealing with it. This was after being a world traveler and living in numerous other countries. So to have to go so far inward, away from life did not feel fun.
I now see that this relationship with a perceived defective nervous system was the great gift of my life. It forced me to look within, to not conform, to not accept a life of quiet desperation. I was too freaked out to do that. Now i see I was saved and blessed. When one of my dearest friends told me her kidney transplants were her great gifts, I doubted I could ever come to the same awareness. And yet I have.
So the deep dive into this terror was next. I spent three days laying comatose in my hammock, dealing with what Jeannie calls the howlers, those primal places that are so alone, so frightened, so bereft it seems nothing can touch them. Yet years of inner work had provided me with the inner fortitude to keep first be kind to myself yet ultimately going in to the fear. Then circumstances asked me to make a choice that I believed might literally kill me. I had to break every rule I had set for managing this nervous system; to avoid crowds, avoid places where masks are required as I feel i can’t breath, do not have to get up too early, not have alone time etc. The choice would break every rule and was a godsend. Then re-reading UntetheredUntethered Soul I saw I had to go in to and face every fear. Given my own level of trauma, given how we are a traumatized species, this was not a fun prospect. Only my incapacity to function seemed to force me to face this arising terror.
So I finally just turned and entered it straight on, wondering if I might go insane. Turns out it was not that bad and lasted off and on for a few days. Given the level of anxiety I carried most of my life and that still limited me with overwhelm, I’d say it was a small price. So yes, I would say I am doing very well Since that time I have been more effortlessly entered into every limitation, constriction, fear I discover. Not for the faint of heart. The key ingredient for me is to face ALL fear, to do my best to never bow to fear. To balance it with incredible self care when it is mission impossible and all I can do is lay in my bed and breath, wrap myself in a soft blanket, tell the inner creature she is not alone however it might see, that I will never leave he. .It involves tons of self soothing, self care. It is infinitely supported by my few holy relationships. It is supported by the Wild Hearts, an online group I created to provide energetic sanctuary for each other. If one is in the midst of facing one of these deep dives into trauma, into fear, into the howlers, the others hold in the Truth, knowing all is well and only Love is real. My friend asked me yesterday if, in the name of love, I should not honor others fear. The answer for me is no, never. I honor my love for you by refusing to believe in your fear, by holding you to the Truth of your Identity. If you have read this far, bless you. May you have the courage and inner and outer support to face your fears and to comfort the creator when the howlers howl. Jeannie gave me the fortitude to now know what i suspected, that the incredible aloneness of the last nine months where I might not see another human for weeks has been a great blessing designed to set me free.
I am considering opening Wild Hearts in the new year. If this post intrigues you, message me and let’s see if you are a future Wild Heart. Wild Hearts is for those who are willing already to dive in to their fears, who know not to believe in them, who have healed a certain level of trauma. It is not for those who currently fear in overwhelm or debilitating trauma, rather those who have developed a level of inner sovereignty. Alternatively, I also do session by phone or in person and will be re-opening my practice in the new year. I use to be so pissed at the main stream media with what for me is a blatant shakedown to keep us locked in fear. I now trust with shaking boots that this is part of the divine design to take us out once and for all from living as slaves in the bowels of fear. Let’s do this thing. And I know my particular path involved much deeper dives into fear this is required for others with different paths. This is just one persons story, one of many billion. Whatever howlers you are facing, may your know that Mystery is here to serve you and bring you to the other side, to freedom. Know that the answer is ALWAYS gentleness, ALWAYS in all ways kindness, always support for those profoundly wounded parts. There are times when I need to dive in and there are times when I need to curl up with a blanket, hug a tree, sit on a rock. I may need a hot tea, a sunbath, to immerse myself in water. The art for me to balance the human and the divine, to know I am both seemingly and to care for both. Yes, it takes courage. Even more so it takes gentleness and kindness, self soothing where ever we are. I just spoke with a client and given my training and temperament, I have emphasized the deep dives. It has also been this year’s focus to be slower, kinder, gentler, to say yes to no, to rest when I am tired. Such a sweet and profound balancing act to honor our humanity and our divinity, to trust all is unfolding as it is meant to, to not push ourselves, to always in all ways show mercy. So much love to each of us as we traverse this sacred ground.
p.s. in the new year will resume my 20 minute free consultations if you are interested. RisingasLove@gmail.com or 530-575-5052.
