belonging

The theme of belonging is up for me and I sense writing about it may be useful. Yesterday watching the trailer of “My Octopus Teacher” catapulted me into a deep grief. I remembered inadvertently causing the death of a magnificent octopus. For a week or two I have been exploring why something a friend said has been so unsettling for me. In a circle I explored this topic and grief and another’s experience deepened the exploration. Then someone said something very direct and challenging to me, with permission, giving all of it another slant. Now a number of circumstances regarding Christmas plans that remain uncertain, visits that were canceled, missing an event that was very important to me all are piling up to force me to look deeper into what belonging is for me. A friend suggested I connect to the octopus and I had already been guided to do a soul retrieval, forgiveness, shamanic visions quest (yea ok just trying to find words to suggest what I did.) I had an inner vision where as the octopus lay dying I swam up to him with my scuba tank. This experience was about 25 years ago. The octopus was huge, each tentacle as I recall was maybe 5-6 feet long! In the vision, I swam through the veil of ink which saturated my skin and hair. He pulled me into a fierce embrace and I knew he could crush me, his inadvertent executioner. He stared eye to eye and I fell again and again into sobs. I asked for his forgiveness. I held steady as the light left his eyes. In what actually happened the guide brought the dead octopus on the end of his spear gun, assuming I wanted to eat it which I refused. In the vision quest, I was guided to allow the octopus to be cooked and then was asked to consume the flesh, like a communion and union. I refused and sobbed repeatedly yet the request remained firm. I finally took a bit and the octopus permanently entered me in a organic union. My sobs now int eh vision quest subsided and I came into tremendous peace and yes, sense of belonging. Yet later all the disjointed misses, cancellations, uncertainty round what has been a highly charged holiday added up. When I missed my event today, it felt as thought I was dropped down a 60story building in seconds. I sat with all that energy waiting for it to integrate. In this now moment, i am warm, full but not relaxed. There is a slight edge as this question of belonging gathers momentum within. A friend talked about not having Christmas plans and how alienating that feels. I suspect many might be alone and feel great unease, grief, fear, isolation. If my plans fall through, it would be my first Christmas eve alone. My sense is that will happen and is meant to happen. This is NOT comfortable and stirs up so many old embers of feeling unloved. Yet I welcome it (reluctantly)knowing there is magic afoot, knowing my soul arranged this for my liberation from previous dysfunctional patterns. For maybe 2-3 minutes I was on the verge of panic, I can’t hold these energies. Yet I caressed my own face and whispered to my own heart. As I connect ever more deeply to nature, to my own isolation, to the path of solitude, I trust all will be revealed in right timing. Let’s see what will unfold next as these ancient wound arise to be restored to wholeness. Thank you to Moon Wolf for suggesting I bring this old grief to completion, finally passing through all that was stirred up with the octopus 25 years ago and only integrated now. Even yesterday I did not dive all the way into what was coming up, only taking it maybe half way in. So grateful to bring this back to a sense of completion. Let’s see where the next wave takes me. So many blessings to all this holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or something else, whether you are alone or feel alone in a crowd, where ever you are in this now. May you know with certainty you are not alone, you belong, you are loved!