Joy experiment:
Haven’t felt called to share much about this one’s experience. The joy experiment is marching along beautifully. Today loneliness and feeling the desire to touch and be with people is alive. I am so blessed to have so many gorgeous communities I can connect to often several times a day yet the desire to touch and be touched, to hug is present. My plans for today fell through last moment and opened the day up. So sat with strong desire to be with another. Here is what is new. For so long I wanted to be with another to get something from them. Call it what you will and trust me, I often called it love, at the bottom I wanted/ needed something from the other. For so long I was unconscious of that and thought I was truly being unconditional. When I started circling, a dear sister (thanks Rossi) pointed out to me how inwardly focused I was, always seeing everything from my perspective. I didn’t even know that and assumed everybody did the same. Not. Some will come from the opposite direction, taking in “reality” from external cues. Here is what is coming alive. As I meet myself more and more, allow whatever is arising to be the perfect thing, not needing to fix or change self or other but for real, a gradual erosion of this self centered egoic perspective is arising. Without effort. Just slowly unfolding. And then the veils of separation part and I always cry, Because in a very new way there is not a reference to a self that needs something. There is no boundary. There is simply isness. The sense of Unity and connection, to feeling totally accepting of another however they are showing up, of not prioritizing “my” needs, ooh my. I doubt I am giving even a taste of this yet two experiences in the last day motivated me to give it the college try. In one circle one person was so authentically himself, saying I don’t feel like connecting, it gave me such permission to continue on this route of radical self acceptance that I was deeply moved. In the other circle to notice that as another was circle, I too was circled (relational process I participate in weekly) it was the same, there was no difference. I have read a zillion spiritual books and the other fascinating thing was to FEEL the weight of words and how unconsciously I would use spiritual experiences to “get” somewhere. People tried to point this out but sounded like gibberish until I felt it viscerally as a spiritual conversation left me cold. With the plasma stream of solstice barreling down on us. I know each is having a unique experience. Some are flatlined. One just moved form trashed for about a week to joy and liberation. I notice it is not uncommon to get steamrollered right before a major breakthrough. In one of my groups we were all talking about not knowing. There is so much I don’t know. The difference is now I more often Trust I will know just the moment I need to. Until then seeing the radiance of unknowing, the weight of words and most precious, to viscerally transit beyond the veil of separation, the most gorgeous wave i have ever ridden. Thank you to everyone I have ever circled with, you have revealed so much to me simply by being.
