So anybody who knows me well, knows I spent many years bringing to wholeness my attachment to Christmas and gifts as the one time I knew i was loved. It took 20 years of serious attention to move through this huge attachment. At first I was cruel, like “get over it you silly baby!” Then i got a bit kinder, “this is a pain in the butt so get over this.” Eventually I got more tender. “I see how you were hardwired to see gifts= love but this simply is not true darling and you will stop suffering when you can see this. How can I support you in getting free dear one?”
At first family tried to indulge this addiction but eventually the slaves revolted from my continued demands and dissatisfaction, no matter how hard they tired. I had to let go of my expectations So imagine my joy when I had volunteers to help me put up the tree, seeming willing volunteer. Oh wow. So my Hallmark fantasies were running of us decorating the tree together. In earlier years when my daughter wanted to do it, I might critique the placement of the decorations or later move them to make the tree “perfect.”
But now this was gong to be the Hallmark moment. All was well until the lights had no plug at the end to plug in to the socket. My daughter started to complain, get triggered, say she wanted to stop. Fantasy dissolves and it is too active to do anything but breath. I allowed my disappointment to pass through and then asked if she could see a way to resolve the problem. I saw her step back and go in to her skill set, figuring out problems. We finally resolved it but she was only willing to put one particular decoration she loves on the tree. I detail this as I knew in the moment that it was my attachment that was coming up for clearing and I know many have attachments to holidays needing to look a certain way. Oh how darling we are as we seek for love externally! Oh how painful this can be! While attachments remain, we are not free. So the best i could do in the moment was be with my own disappointment tenderly and keep the peace. She sat and watched me do it and all was in harmony.
Only later did I have a chance to explore what might have been going on on her side. All the times I had pressured her to fulfill my expectations, all the times I was never satisfied. Was it any wonder when she got triggered? I hold both her and myself as absolutely innocent and extend love to both of us. To not go into victim, control or attack, now this is the best Christmas present of all.
