I have found parenting one of my most reliable guilt traps. Thought I had cleared out the cobwebs but big guilt came up today. I have lived a very counter culture life and it has definitely come at a cost to not belong to the tribe. I have found the cost worth paying for the inner freedom and sovereignty. However when I saw my daughter following in my foot steps, I was like oh sh*t! I didn’t want the challenges for her.
So all of this came up toady while talking today with a friend who is very successful and I would call wealthy, hearing all the advantages he has given his sons, I felt this huge pain in the belly and tightness gripping my entire physicality. I tired to breath through it but this one is not passing through. I had the chance to speak to my daughter as we ate our traditional Thanksgiving out of the styrofoam box provided to us by the wonderful people at Rainbow market.(A huge shout out to them for this tradition of many years my daughter adores and safes me the trouble of cooking, not that I would even have attempted it this year. Broke my cell today so pictures may or may not follow. It was lovely but I digress.) I asked her basically if she thought i had ill prepared her for life. I asked her if she could trade and get all the benefits, the fancy education and expensive home and so on, would she want to. She very wisely laid out her strengths and weakness to me, her values and what works for her. In a nutshell she said no way. In her own life she gave up a situation in which she was living in a fancy home with a pool paying nothing and all expense paid. Then one night she experienced what for her (and I think almost everyone would agree) was an energetic attack and violation of her well being. When she told me how she handled it I was blown away, answering the attack respectfully but without being willing to subject her self to ill treatment and disrespect regardless of the perks. Her situation now is VERY humble but free. I sense many parents face this dilemma. Should we prepare our children for a world that is crumbling before our very eyes, in which too many are wage slaves to jobs that deaden them, lead to TGIF, seem to waste years of life. Of course some will find careers that they find very enjoyable and it will be a huge source of satisfaction. But what about the too many that only work to live without any satisfaction? Should we prepare them for these situations so that they can seem safe and secure? Will there be any security of this type in the coming years? No simple answers.
Would I rather see her living a life she enjoys without security or doing something seemingly safe? To be honesty part of me wants the security for her so I can relax more. But decided that is ass backwards. Even though sometimes there is a big pit in my stomach, when we really explored this together, how can I truly question that she is doing as I have done. She has followed her inner promoting, regardless of security. She never seems to view herself as a victim and makes hugely courageous choices. She never asks to be bailed out. This is a paradox, question that keeps me on the edge of my seat. Yes, I hope she finds something she loves and provides security. But if I had to choose between them…? And of course it is not my choice at all and if there is one thing I have been forced into with this kid, this 8 on the enneagram, it is to know she will do what she wants. Alright then. I have to say the conversation was rich and nuanced and a true delight. I imagine i am not and will not be alone with so many of our children choosing to find their own way.
The image I chose is interesting, doesn’t fit exactly but I like it.
