Day six- joy experiment:
Yesterday was a wonderful synergy where so much of the day was spent almost effortlessly in the joy of being. Each small tasks was done with great Presence and thus became joyful. Hearing rain, walk bundled up i a favorite coat, cooking nourishing food from scratch and enjoying even the slicing and dicing, even cleaning up without any or the normal self judgment there is so much more to do.
Then a conversation was not very tender, the power went out on a cold night, sleep was a bit elusive. Re-reading “The Untethered Soul” and knowing Lesson 135 of ACIM, the lesson I have played with for 23 years the awareness landed more deeply than ever, if I defend myself I am attacked. Today had an absolutely lovely long conversation with a beloved. Baking banana bread for a potluck. Yet the body is jumbled and wants to tell me there is a problem, in fact I am the problem, this nervous system is the problem and I will never be free. I had just managed o clean the kitchen after over a month of disorder and now the kitchen is a mess after the bread. PROBLEM, identification IF I CHOOSE. Untethered souls says we will NEVER be free unless we face and integrate this pain, this fear, this limited self identity. And boy do I KNOW that is true. For so many years I tried to protect myself from the world’s harshness. Even if I lock myself in a padded room, it will never work. So I have to say yes to this discomfort, yes to this edgy body and not stay home to protect this nervous system. It would never work and now I have the inner strength to allow it again and again. Doesn’t feel very joyful, don’t want to even go to the potluck. Would rather curl up and wait for external salvation. Maybe a new president could do it? me thinks not. It is NOT the body, rather the story, limitations the mind believes and let’s me know need purification. The external corruption and lies are simply a reflection of the internal lies we tell ourselves. As within, so without. A key factor is keeping my eyes glued to my own life, my own “reality” and let all the wild stories of chaos and disaster that have existed from time immortal ply out without my attention. Yes I preferred yesterdays more joyful day. Yet I say yes to jumbled nerves WITHOUT IDENTIFICATION or story and call it good and very very good. This will NEVER be solved externally or at the level of form. In fact I choose to call it joy.
