Yesterday was my mother’s day celebration. After years of conflict over my daughter refusing to celebrate mother’s day as it always falls near my birthday, this was a solution we found that authentically worked for both os us. Yet yesterday was perhaps the best one ever.
Why? Yesterday I discovered so much about my daughter I was previously unaware of, had actually never heard even though she had tried to tell me. At several points my mouth was hanging open in surprise. I started something called circling about 6 weeks ago and the results have been a great increased awareness of my own subconscious ways of showing up in the world and a vastly increased ability to hears others without the density of filters I still carry. They are there, just less thick.
Joined a training platform for circling a few days ago and heard the founder Peter say he brought his tension with a relative to the surface. So I decide to try again. Normally my daughter is not very forthcoming about her inner world. Yet now I see how I approached her with so many filters, so many hidden agendas it is no wonder! My daughter is great at calling them as she sees them. I now spoke with genuine openness and curiosity, without as many preconceived notions and she responded accordingly. So I decided to go for the big enchilada. Now this has never gone well and always ended up in a tussle. I still approached it defensively but found out something I had not yet heard. For her, my ultra spiritual ego was something she perceived I had shoved down her throat. I knew this but heard it in a new way. I was totally curious and non defended as I listened, wanting to understand her experience. And perhaps for the first time, I heard it more fully and could appreciate what a pain in the ass it had been for her. So we agreed that I would not talk about spirituality if she would not do the behavior that drives me up the wall. And yes, I know ultimately I must find a way to zero point/ see it neutrally this behavior but one step at a time. The sense of connection dropped so much deeper and we had an amazingly rich day.
Here is the other huge takeaway. A current (what I perceive to be) lack of awareness to me could endanger her from my point of view and I felt impelled to keep bringing it up even though I knew I was getting nowhere fast. Now I now see how so many things I did to supposedly keep her safe backfired on me. Take homework. I was trained to believe education is vital for a good life so she and I tussled over this until I finally cried uncle. To me now, we wasted years of conflict over some nonsense. Do I really care if she can get the square root? Do I really believe it will improve her life? So I now see that in my desire to protect her, I have both “harmed” her and caused some serious separation. This one is still a show stopper. Not needing to defend myself has changed my life radically for the better. But I still feel the need to protect (form of defense to believe she needs protection) her. I can feel in my bones the separation this causes and I am now a bulldog on a pork chop, knowing this error will dissolve in divine right timing.
The other thing is I had often given my daughter a hard time for not getting me gifts as for most of my life they had an extreme value as a symbol of love for me. I was literally in tears to truly get how her willingness to spend hours on the beach with me, not her preferred activity, without saying a word was the true gift. For so long I had dismissed what a gift it was for her to silently go along with my desires without complaint while I was hoping for something more. I was truly humbled and in awe of her generosity. My heart was over flowing with gratitude and sorrow that unconsciousness had prevented me from seeing the Love that was there as completely as I saw it now. Instead of seeing the beautiful simplicity right before my very nose, my eyes had been glued elsewhere. This is a such a rich grief for me to allow, all the missed moments. No judgment at all, just grief and a profound feeling of appreciation for these eyes that each day see more to be grateful for.
I wish I could put into words how much closer I feel to her and how much the richness of this connection moves me to joy. Ah, dear friends…
