Unbroken:
I read a book by that name, a true story of a man who had a difficult childhood but became an Olympic runner, was shot down by the Japanese in the war, floated in a raft for a record time like 40 days without any food/ water, was then captured and beaten, tortured, starved, liberated, became an alcoholic but ultimately accessed his own strength and had a meaningful and rich life.
So my miracle buddy and I were talking about just that today. So many things seemed about to break us, more then we could handle, past our breaking point, not sure we could take it. Yet somehow we did get through it and remained unbroken.. Yet along the way we accumulated so many erroneous beliefs, limitations, conditioning and programs that have enslaved us. Since this little game has been going on for 10,000 years, is it any wonder that has taken a moment or two to get past it? Yet I have been known to berate, judge, blame myself for my own lack of freedom. I had stubbornly, it seemed, refused to claim my own absolutely innocence.
Yet the way I hold it now is all along I was developing a holding environment, creating neural regulation until last month I was able to finally face and alchemize how broken I have felt by the evidence my five sense had repeatedly offered to me that I was a victim of my particular nervous system. Since I had so much evidence of feeling unsafe, of a history of trauma, the identification stuck like glue. I know so many who have a litany of trauma, of incredible stories of loss. Yet they too remain unbroken.
What helped me the most during last month when it felt impossible and unbearable to hold the fear wanting to pass through, the extreme primal survival fears, is that there was someone in my corner who refused to see me as a victim, as broken, as incapable. To be honest if felt kind of cruel how she refused to budge and give me an iota of sympathy! The same with the 4 months last year I was processing 4 of my deepest fears simultaneously. She refused to feel sorry for me! And I am often blessed with returning the favor. No way I will ever see her as a victim. This was and is so incredibly supportive. As Nouk said to me, one miracle buddy is better then a 1000 regular friends. Yup. I feel how crushing it can be for me if someone feels sorry for me. Scares me that I truly have something to worry about.
This is what these times are calling for darlings. To rise up to alchemize and ultimately move beyond our stories of victimization, of duality, of programming. To be at peace and acceptance of all the ways it might still feel like too much, that we are clueless about how to proceed.
What shifted for me in the last month, what has been a key turning point was an irrevocable unwillingness to abandon myself no matter what shit comes down the pike.THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Once we know we have our own backs and will not abandon those inner lost ones no matter what, the game changes. My friend recommended I drop the word trauma (at this point this could work for me, would not have earlier) and the identification with that old story. Sure it was true for eons, for decades in this life but hey, it has been a few weeks, let’s get on with the new.
A vaster inner spaciousness has/is unfolding for me. The feelings of unsafely are dropping away. There are longer and longer stretches of this incredible peace. I laugh and smile more and can imagine enjoying life and feeling safety during what begins to feel like the horror movies my daughter adores. I couldn’t even watch the moves but ok, sure I’ll live through however this plays out and remain unbroken. Wanna come play in that playground with me?
