Darlings, I want to share a celebration with you that happened a week ago. First I want to share a sadness and grief. I have been so cruel to savannah, so mean to the human aspect of her, chasing the Divine in a hell bent attempt to ditch the parts of self that felt painful, even unbearable. As I start to see the cruelty I have subjected the most wounded aspects of myself to for so long, my heart feels so heavy. So I want to publicly express my regret to Savannah for all the billions of ways I was unkind to her fragile and seemingly broken aspects of self, particularly her experience of feeling too sensitive for this planet, too anxious and overwhelmed by the behaviors of some human beings, including herself. And I apologize to all those I wounded out of my own unconsciousness.
Please know that in the now I feel no guilt, just sorrow. I fully embrace this sorrow. And now I want to share the celebration. A week ago I kept asking my daughter what day she was free to have her birthday lunch. I waited a few days and then told her I needed to know as I needed to finalize my appointments. I asked her to let me know that night or I would have to either make the choice myself or possibly not be free when she wanted to meet. Later I noticed resentment arising and initially blamed her. That felt terrible in MY body so I inquired into who was the source of my own suffering and of course discovered it was my own mind. I thought about all the pressure she is under and found it easy to imagine reasons why she might not be getting back to me. I saw I was at choice to schedule my week as I wished, knowing I might not be free when she was. I noticed that sadness was mine about that and knew she probably would not care if I was not available for her first choice. In other words, I took full responsibility for my inner experience and I was free! Alleluia!!! And no surprise, shortly after that i heard from her and was able to see her on her birthday for a glorious guilt free day. We were at peace with each other, in harmony.
Here is the celebration. It literally took me eons of work, with about 15 years dedicated to freeing myself of the burden of special relationships. And I have for the most part. Here is the sadness. I pretty much blew past that one, on to the next one. Ok sister, the hell with that, now get this death thing down, get this not identifying with savannah as your true identity down. Whatever spiritual milestones I reach, I am never satisfied and it is on to the next one. UGH! Hopefully I will stop bullying myself spiritually or in any other way. I am celebrating my own ability to truly see this and as I said, no guilt, these are not easy things to see. I am celebrating myself in the now, warts and all, That savannah, what a cool chick. I simply adore her!!!!!
