I see so many blaming themselves for how long it can appear to take to begin to feel any relief from the ego thought system despite, in many cases, years of dedication to waking up. Because there can be a long period during which despite our best “efforts” and attention, it feels as though we are getting nowhere fast, we can only survive that period. This period is often rife with self blame and hatred. It seems impossible to believe it could take so long, that we are not screwing it up royally. I am reading a book by Paulo Coelho, author of “The Alchemist,” who was locked up 3 times by his family in a mental institution for wanting to be an artist. An artist was not acceptable at that time in Brazil. The book “Veronika decides to kill herself” is about how society is sick and those who do not conform to its rules are judged, shamed and even locked up. The book explores how society tries to get us to fit into structures that are soul crushing yet those that rebel are vilified and condemned. To me, these times are the beginnings of reversing the ways life has been set up not to support our true self and we are now creating a world of peace, love, fairness and harmony. I write some details of my experience in the hopes we can all stop blaming and shaming ourselfs, look on our journey’s with kindness and compassion.
Twenty-six years ago a relative said to me, “Dare I mention the ‘j’ word, j.o.b?” I had just returned from living outside the USA for five years. My intent was a voyage of discovery, to discover who I was beyond the confines of a country that felt as though it were locking me into a definition of success that was a straightjacket for me. I returned once in that period and burst into tears when I touched American soil because I again experienced the shame of not fitting my family’s or the countries definition of a successful person. It took decades to move beyond other’s expectations and judgments of me to find my own path, my own definition of success. I decided then and there to have my job be the Joy of Being. I always found being as coming more naturally to me , doing not so much. Yet it has taken these 26 years to begin to more frequently glimpse the true joy of being. Even though it only arrives in flashes, the joy has nothing to do with work, money, status, relationships or anything external. It has everything to do with my relationship with my True Self, with knowing Who I am, with accessing more viscerally a felt self of being Home in my own skin. The journey to this place was more arduous then I could ever imagine. I was immersed in the bowels of the ego thought system for years, transmuting conditioning, judgments, limitations. I still am in that process yet it now comes with flashes of such inner belonging and joy that waking up is no longer torture. I spent way too long in self doubt. I now see the perfection of my path. I know who I am, I know what I am, I know how I serve. This makes all the difference and even though I often feels as though I may explode with the intensity of energy running through my body, resistance has dropped away for the most part so it now longer induces suffering. So many external aspects of my life would likely have another freaking out in fear yet I have learned to have an ever more solid abiding Trust. It is my great vision that we can take this ride with ever deepening self compassion. The quote below from Eckhart is my direct experience.
