On birthdays:
I witness how starved we are to reclaim our
Love. How desperately we can seek it in others. Yet when we do so, we end up always dissatisfied. One of the times we may notice this is on birthdays. It is easy to get lost in expectations.
It is now 4 years since I dropped into deep self love yet feeling peaceful on birthdays continued to elude me. Despite 20 years of focused healing work, I would still have expectations, disappointments. My conditioning had trained me to associate gifts and love yet luckily my birthday slaves revolted and forced me to look within. Try as I would I would still get triggered until last year I was able to finally surrender the whole thing.
So this year I was so grateful to not be counting my presents, not care what I got or did not get. I so appreciated I got anything. Yet three times I got tripped up by a gift that was not what I hoped, a table in the wrong location. Yet this time I could watch closely as ego tried to hijack me into upset. This time I could say no and continue to enjoy what was. Until I saw FB had reconfigured the way they do birthdays. I would not get an announcement on my timeline. I would not get to see so many friends post on that timeline. I would not get my obsession with counting that had merely shape shifted from presents to friends.
Yet this time two things were different. First I had deep compassion for how troubling this issue has been for me. I let myself cry for how trapped I have felt. To move from the euphoria of thinking i was finally free to feeling upset again was not fun yet i met it with open arms, embracing that lost part of self. Luckily darling Theresa helped me identify the past life that kept the obsession alive. I met it with continuing kindness until it melted away. I ended up having perhaps one of the best birthdays of my life. Nothing special was planned for the day yet all sparkled with joy. I was gifted a coffee (thanks Break Cafe!), a meal. I had time for my annual Yuba plunge as a symbol of being reborn to the now moment. But most of all I had deep tenderness for the parts still lost in old wounds. I have had birthdays in a palace in India, in Venice, Italy, in Mexico, Guatemala, in fancy hotels with elegant meals. Yet this one was truly satisfying. Why? Because I finally had compassion for it all and was truly grateful for all the unplanned gifts that arrived rather then, as before, counting and always coming up short. I detail this as I know I am not alone. I know others count the way love appears to disappoint. I met someone yesterday who told me she had a horrible birthday. I have learned to have gratitude for what I have, not what I don’t have. And the best gift of all? A truly grateful heart, come what may. And a willingness to be kind to unhealed wounds, no matter how much they appear to cause challenges in my life.
“Everyone you see, you say to them, “love me!” Of course, you do not say this out loud or someone would call the cops. Still though, think about this – – this incredible pull in us to connect. Why not become the one who lives with a full moon in in each eye that is always saying with that sweet moon language with every other eye in this world is dying to hear.” – Hafiz
