I have been in this extraordinary new place for about a week now. Several synchronistic events helped push me over the edge and drop me into this new identity or should I say lack of identity. So far it feels like the promised land. I am neutral almost without exception. I have not felt a charge even once, despite one challenging experience that in the past would have driven me around the bend. Today I did find myself verbally defending myself when a man decided he did not like the way I was parked at the post office. He approached me to tell me I was messing up traffic, then passed me with an ugly look, then circled back again. The third time I did respond verbally but internally I felt totally calm and neutral. It was as though I was watching someone else react verbally to his attacks.
The other day I was feeling physically extremely depleted when someone close to me had a melt down and needed a lot of attention. In the past, I would have been resentful about having such energetic needs put on me when I was already zeroed out. In this case I was mildly impatient before dropping into my heart and extending compassion. I also now have a different way of being with physical discomfort that no longer includes suffering. This last week I felt my heart pounding so strongly, my body felt squeezed in a vice, my head had pain. Yet I experienced all of it as though from a distance, as though I was just observing it. I have read about the difference between pain and suffering for a long time yet to now experience it, wow, exciting.
My interactions with others often come with a very heart felt message of encouragement I spontaneously am directed to give. I just happen to bump into peole who often leave with tears in their eyes. I have sudden insights about their internal reality and needs. Now I need less sleep and food. I have been off coffee and sugar for nearly two weeks, a miracle after how cappuccinos have been my main stay of the last years. I have not experienced fear or worry for this whole period. I am not concerned about money even though I not had less money in several decades. Nothing is happening with my work exept a few request for sessions that are then not actually committed to yet I have no doubt or worry. I do not feel the need to try, to use effort to make things happen. If I am tired, I rest. If nothing is happening, I just putter around. I do not feel like I am waiting for anything even though I have this sense of expectancy of good coming to me.
One of the biggest signs is this silly half smile that is often on my face. I use to do my “I love you” practice or my statements affirming my abundance with a very serious look on my face, almost a frown. I now realize that my subconscious had not yet excepted my new statements as familiar, as Matt Kahn speaks of. For some time I smile as I say, “How is it that I am so abundant, successful and adored.” I have a huge grin on my face. If I consider the future, which is rare, I smile. I feel safe in my body. It is relaxed, calm.
Now this may not sound like such a big deal. Yet as those faithful readers from my Love Wave blog (http://lovesaysyes.blogspot.com) know, this is a shift of monumental proportions. I have had decades of the ground being ripped away, exhaustion, loss, panic, fear, anxiety and so on. It is no coincidence to me that I begin filling the space of my new web site with a very different consciousness. I do not have a sense of seeking or yearning anymore. It is not a euphoric or blissful feeling, more quiet and still, unruffled.
A large part of my purpose has been to report my experience to normalize this entire process. I can now also offer the assurance the journey is finite, available and worth it. One of the greatest challenges of this inner transformation is to commit fully to it to only then be taken into the darkest recesses of one’s interior reality to face untold monsters and demeans, to seemingly be forgotten by the gods. It seems impossible to believe the journey is so long and involved. Almost invariably (or maybe invariably) doubt sets in, self loathing, self flagellation as the process strips us of so much. “I must be doing something wrong” or worse “there must be something wrong with me.” Ouch. I did this, said this for so long and now as the pieces of the puzzle fall into place and the whole thing makes sense, I cry for the woman I was, for the ones still judging and questioning themselves. I still sense “guru girl” toying with me a bit. Yet now I can see the perfection, the necessity of all of it. Over the last days I have literally been holding others’ hands, assuring them all is well. I wanted to share the current state of my union as a carrot for those times. I know it is day to day and I have no predictions about what will unfold next for me. I can only say that my level of faith seems to have stabilized and a sense of knowing myself as Divine seems to have locked in. My memory of all the pain and suffering is faded if not forgotten. It is a very curious state for which I am very grateful. Indeed, all IS well.