limitless, service, where’s the joy?

For me it is very clear there was a major shift in energy surrounding the September 27 full moon, eclipse. The feeling of intensity upgraded dramatically for me and, apparently, for others. One friend described it as being on a tight rope, one must be very balanced not to take a great fall. Another described it as being turned inside out; any remaining shadow or limitation is bring brought to the surface big time. Of course, the reverse is also true, one’s gifts, faith, gratitude and appreciation are also being brought into fulfillment. For myself, I notice I have a vague feeling of unease that can quickly sweep me into victim or self pity if I am not careful. There is a frequent energy pattern that could be described as anxiety. I can end up focusing on my remaining areas of self doubt, particularly around the theme of finances and run big limitation stories. I have to pivot again and again to focusing on my self adoration, my self appreciation, gratitude, trust and faith. The level of constancy of the need to stay focused on what I desire, what my vision is rather then on perceived limitations feels rather grueling at times. As always, I love hearing how others are moving through this bump up in frequency which is why I share my experience so intimately. Again I am having the lone ranger experience that is inherent territory for those of us that are fours on the enneagram. It helps to know that is a theme I was born with and came to surpass. It sure is not the gravy train I was hoping for after September 27 yet within the challenge I can get a waft of the infinite possibilities and little mini miracles help me keep my spirits up. This next week contains a few new opportunities which fascinate me while also bring up a little discomfort, always pushing me out of my comfort zone which I believe I last saw somewhere in 1999. I often think of the movie “Limitless.” This is what I see these times offering us. I see how my mind and being is increasingly aware and sensitive to subtle intuitions, insights, possibilities that would have been off my radar screen before. I imagine this increased awareness will keep expanding. I remain cautiously optimistic that I/ we will actually survive and thrive in these wild times. As always I extend my heart and love to each of you as we surf these wild waves. One thing that has shifted dramatically for me over the last months is the view of my own life. I now see what others always saw yet I was significantly blind to, how I have lead the most magnificently abundant life. I have had so many rich experiences, travels to so many exotic places, the joy of living in other cultures for years at a time, the freedom to pursue my passion, the finances to support my studies, the time to investigate my inner reality, the support of mentors and teachers to move beyond the story of a limited, defective self. For this shift in perception I am infinitely grateful. It stuns me how my vision was so distorted that I could not fully see the vast gifts life has presented to me and makes me wonder what else I see through distorted lenses. I more fully understand the quote about the journey of life not being one of seeking new landscapes but rather having new eyes to truly SEE what is already there. Here is another subtle yet vital thing I am noticing, especially while on my vacation at the Nevada hot springs. We were blessed with a gorgeous room in my favorite building. The weather was perfect. Yet I felt this vague dissatisfaction. It took me awhile to pin it down but this is what came to me. My focus was on ME, on how I could enjoy myself, what would be fun for ME. I became aware of how unfulfilling it was to chase after so many desires to please myself while focused primarily on this self called me. It is very hard to describe and don’t get me wrong. I adore treating myself well and giving myself enjoyable experiences. But they no longer touch me as they did. I detect a certain emptiness to them. I was mildly irritated by certain behaviors of some others at the hot springs when I focused on ME. So somewhere in the middle of our time, I shifted from focusing on pleasing myself and my daughter to my current standard focus of extending love, being kind and it made such a difference. Instead of being irritated by the Russian who daily claimed the “best” pool, the one with functioning jets in the shade, I joined them and was curious about their experience. They were so sweet and shared with me their favorite recipes despite knowing only a few words of English. They were generous and kind and didn’t mind me squeezing into the small tub. Then I met a delightful Italian couple and learned about their granddaughter’s wedding and their experiences of family. I shifted away from a primary focus on self and ironically, the self began to enjoy herself MORE. Somehow we have it backwards, trying to fulfill ourselves with experiences, material objects, relationships. What I am discovering is that when I truly focus on extending love my fears have no room to take me over, I feel like the master I am. When I focus on myself either as a problem to be solved or as one who needs something external to experience pleasure or enjoyment, I keep myself caught in a loop that never ends. This awareness is so subtle it often slips away from me but increasingly I get it. Simply put, it could be said there is nothing more satisfying then realizing the incredible blessing of service but I used to see service as a have to, I had to do it to earn my way to heaven (old Catholic belief). Now I realize there is a reason all religions speak of the importance of service. It is not about getting brownie points in heaven, it is about remembering and living as our own divine nature. It is when I/we extend our gifts that we feel best. As the bible says, if we share what is within us, it will save us; if we ignore or hide what is within us, it will destroy us. For those of you that have already mastered the intensity and are living out your dreams and passion, I say kudos and congratulations. Thanks for being at the head of the parade and showing the way.