I love how each morning as soon as I wake up I start adoring myself. You may have to take my word on this, yet I had no idea until it shifted how much it was costing me to reject the part of myself that had suffered so interminably. All my life it was as though I was living with an impostor inside of me, one who rejected parts of myself. The imposter was one who lived divided with acceptable and unacceptable parts within. It was as though there was always an undeground inner war of non acceptance. I had no idea how much it was hurting me at a deeply unconscious level. It is so recently that this turned around and I am finally able to embrace this dear one with compassion. I finally jumped beyond suffering and now live in peace and contentment. This does NOT mean all my challenges disappeared, not at all. I still have little income, get exhausted, can’t sleep, have challenges arise. The differences is they do not disturb my peace nor do I believe, like i used to, that they can take me out. This homecoming to self is such a benediction it surpasses all challenges, leaving me in a perpetual state of gratitude. It is ENOUGH to be at home inside myself, showering myself literally with rose petals, adoring all of me. In the past I used to worry so much, an inheritance from my mother. I found out everything I would have worried about in the past with my daughter’s trip did in fact occur. Her class was so stressed with a breakneck pace of activities some of the students got sick and Ciela became ill the first night out on the train with sore throat and fever. She used the belief I have taught her that her immune is strong and blew past the fever and sore throat in one night, despite almost no sleep yet she was sick with a cold for the whole trip and still now. She unpacked the warm rain jacket I bought for the trip when she went to her Dad’s before leaving on the trip. So when it rained all day she had a flimsy jacket while being sick! Yet she had the time of her life and all is well. I did not worry ahead, check the weather and where she was going, wonder if the guides were adequately trained as I would have in the past. Turns out she went down a big rapid in a boat alone with one friend. I assumed they’d always be with a guide. Point being all turned out and i never worried. I adore that.
My tip for today is trust. I adore that after I spend time first thing this morning appreciating myself, I concentrated on my mission as a messenger, thinking about what I can say or do to help alleviate suffering, just for the joy of it. It is not done from a save the world stance but more from a unity point, I see suffering and it brings me joy to help others find a way beyond it. Service is my new joy. One of the hardest things for me to do was to maintain trust despite years, lifetimes, millennium of suffering, seemingly without end. Especially the last months where, despite being devoted full time to being a love lover I was being relentlessly pounded with challenges, day after day. Some were rather serious like being told my relatively new car would have to be totaled to having my heart beat so erratically and hard I thought I could die. This all while being so dizzy I could not stand. I was alone with no one close to me within less than an hour’s drive. I also had food poisoning so severe I was losing it at both ends while alternating sweating and freezing. You get the picture. How was this for my highest good? Was this the act of a benevolent universe or a crazed god bent on destroying me? Sure seemed the later but I see it was what my guides have often told me, i was being pushed through suffering as fast as I could withstand it so I could emerge as a love leader. Only by bring the intensity to a level that was literally intolerable to me was I able to push through the beliefs around that suffering and emerge on the other side. Now I must admit circumstance seem much more cooperative yet the funny thing is both this month and last all that seemed so troublesome did eventually resolve itself. Turns out none of what seemed to be so terrible actually materialized and all did work out.
Last year Lauren at Think with Your Heart told me I was a love leader, which is my life long vision for myself. Yet as I crawled along, as hardly anyone paid attention to anything I said or did, as my classes were almost empty, as people ignored my invitations and I was generally alone, nothing seemed further from the truth. All my efforts seemed to be going nowhere fast. Now suddenly I am very popular, could be as social as I wish, receiving lots of appreciation and acknowledgment. Did my message change or did I? Yes, my vibration/frequency is higher but not that much. It seems more to me to be a timing thing that many of us most go through. Get beat up, be alone and ignored, have things look like they are going to never work out, be constantly frustrated in all your desires until the ego dissolves and one is willing to move from personal to divine will. Then quickly all turns around. SO it looked like the LAST thing I was, was a love leader. Yet yesterday a new friend called me a leader. An inner bell rang and I could own that yes, I am indeed a love leader. My dream is finally materializing. Time for the ticker tape parade. Well, we’ll see but that is my story and I am sticking to it. On today’s agenda is cleaning two rooms and I have given myself all day to do it. As I have said, one of my previous least favorite activities but who knows, maybe today I will love it.
I am posting my intention I created for my birthday altar a few weeks ago. It moved rapidly from intention to reality, really over the course of less then two week. Alleluia! I am finally home to myself after a long journey through the valley of the shadow of seemingly relentless suffering.
remembering the joy of being
