So often I want to post but the energy won’t allow me to focus long enough to get it out. So many awareness coming through I’ll see if I can get a short version out. Intense anyone? Holy cow, those were some wild and wooly energies. How to avoid panic, terror, feeling helpless, despair? I see I really have to keep my mind in check not to fly off into fear lala land and maybe this is what it is about. This is the time of Christ consciousness and anything that limits us is obviously not aligned with the energy of these times and seems to come with an inflationary price tag. Anyone else noticing the price of fear skyrocketing? Here’s how my friend Maureen put it, “ya know, all those years with the suffering and wondering why i was alive, as in how could the physical body indure so much day after day, i was always aware I was being kept alive by a stream of energy from beyond and i remember times i would look up to the heavens and cry out loud where are you. And always that feeling of just keep going, just keep hanging in there, persevere. And now remembering all that I now see its over and I no longer have those feelings of just hang in there, just keep going, persevere. I don’t need to do that anymore. I’ve always known that there had to be a very powerful reason to live as I did. And that one day i would know and I would be able to see the richness and beauty in it. I just felt a little glimpse of it now.” So that is my question, will suffering ever end? Maureen is finding it does.
For me, this last little out of body, ungrounded, depleted, exhausted, I can’t take it anymore little episode was wayyyy too costly for me and has me keeping a tight rein on limiting myself in any way. Friday I had a birthday dinner scheduled and had zero enthusiasm as I felt so exhausted I just wanted to cancel. I decided to experiment and I kept affirming, I had no clue how, I was going to enjoy myself, no matter what. About 20 minutes before our reservation my energy started to come back. It required tremendous faith to not cancel, to trust all would be well and it was! What I am seeing inside myself is this fear of suffering, that the old intense terror of previous years, of feeling almost totally dysfunctional is returning. On 5/5 I had a huge awareness drop in. I got how much I still reject the part of me that is so sensitive, that has had so much anxiety, that finds living on planet earth a fairly continuous struggle. I realized I REALLY wanted that part to go away, to not be me, to change it, kill it, bury it, anything to destroy it and stop if from causing me additional suffering. Of course it was that very attitude that kept me locked in suffering. I had read and heard to embrace that part of ourself that is painful for many years but really I did so holding my nose, praying if I half assed loved it, it would go away. No such luck. So here’s is what I realized. I am locked in to an identify of one who has suffered more then most, who is more sensitive, who can’t enjoy life like others can. Doesn’t matter if there is any truth to it. I saw myself envying those who seem to just cruise through life, who don’t seem to struggle living on this planet.
The feedback I got from many on my birthday was that I am a force of nature, fierce in my dedication to awakening. This is another gift of suffering; the level of suffering almost forces me to find another way, an easier way, a grace filled way. As I pondered my relationship to suffering two things arose. One, would I want to go back to the times when I too did not struggle and just kind of got along? When I really looked I saw the answer was no. I was asleep at the wheel for much of my life, twisted in low grade separation and fear. Life was neither good nor bad. The ride sure has gotten wild and the price feels way too high but no way I can go back to that woman who felt so separate, who had so many needs, who was lost in seeking. Second, what had suffering done for me? It is like a cattle prod which points me in the loving direction, showing me where I am heading down a path that will not end well. Suffering shows me every time I believe in a limited version of myself, every time I feel locked into fear, anger, sadness, scarcity. An expanded feeling greets me when I remember who I am, when I remember my Divinity. So it is a bit of a Pavlovian experiment, feels good, aligned with true values, feels bad, lost in limitation. Which brings me to the question I have been pondering. Can suffering end? Heaven yes! I see I previously could hardly imagine being a person who did not suffer. That belief of course kept me locked in and hating that suffering part of myself. Yet for over a week I have now found a way to gently love and begin to embrace that part of myself. For my birthday, I came up with an intention for my year. The major part of it was affirming that I feel lucky to be me, that despite all the suffering I love ALL of me, embrace ALL of me, honor ALL of me, especially the less appealing parts of being me. My sense is this will prove to be a major piece of the puzzle that will ultimately end suffering in my life and turns it into a miracle of joy and fulfillment or, as Maureen said, “what interests me now is this timeless love affair with self that Matt speaks of and this selfcare, to adore and cherish me as the divine does, being drawn to love my own heart so deeply and this fully opening of heart and to live fully for the wellbeing of humanity”. I’ll let you know how the experiment turns out. Sending each of you so much love as we move through these miraculous times. Keep loving your own heart, remembering your true magnificence and we are sure to end up where we started from, owning our true divine nature.