I noticed in the past when Amanda Lorence would send love in silence I didn’t feel like I was receiving it. But now I was guided to do just that in a group. I literally never spoke for the entire hour. I was having what felt like profound alchemical experiences. I was noticing that things were happening without my mind having to make up stories about them it was just energy moving.
Now I get the irony of having to make up a story to explain it here. But basically what I noticed is that for so much of my life it felt like it wasn’t real if I didn’t speak it. It felt like a impulse that I had to obey. To this day I don’t know where it came from.
In this group I ended up being silent for the entire hour as an alchemical process without words or meaning transpired. I could literally feel my cells transmuting. It seemed (me giving it meaning I get the irony now)  it was clearing this pattern of feeling like in order to be connected, I have to speak. And then a miracle happened in the silence. At the end, one of my friends spoke out exactly the awareness I had come to. I’ll try to remember his wording but it went something like this. How can I be abandoned when presence always has me? I knew absolutely that I’m never alone and that I’m always held in love.
It felt like peace love tie-dye in the group. But then in the debrief, something happened that seemed to create separation when I spoke from a defensive posture when somebody told me she perceived me as passive aggressive.
Here’s the kick in the pants. My main lesson, if I defend myself I am attacked. I watched it play out and the energy move into separation in my experience. Could I have let myself just feel what I feel without needing to speak it out? I had committed to allowing myself to feel exactly what I feel and that for me is a huge step. But this time I fell again into the separation trap. Of course I could I felt what I felt without naming it and hopefully one day I’ll be present enough to do that. And I celebrate the level of awareness this unfolding gave me.This is definitely cutting edge for me. Pretty subtle here but I’m just saying…
Also I am coming to know if I put my safety on you, not so smart. I better have it within or it is inherently unstable. Got to play this out over and over in this group naming not feeling safe. Initially I wanted to blame others for my safety until I saw the folly of that approach. Yet I know by being attuned we certainly can add to an environment that feels more or less safe. Equally we can detract from it with projection, blame, judgment or attack.
My friend john said something to me both at our gathering and then on our walk yesterday. The first time I didn’t really hear him. The second time it went in deeper. He said some thing like it’s all about relationship. If I do anything to violate relationship it does create karma. Just saying. ACIM The secret of salvation is but this, we are doing it to ourselves.
I asked my friend about his awareness that he doesn’t want to speak out conflict/ shadow in a relationship. And I’ve always had a question about that. Does transparent communication mean revealing your shadow material in relationship to the other? Or does it mean keeping it to yourself until you have some clarity. Or does it mean just speaking what’s happening viscerally in the body? Or does it mean not speaking it out at all? I really don’t know but I suspect it’s all of them. Ultimately we get to the place where we don’t need to speak it out or preferably never need to speak it out because what I’m noticing is it definitely of course has impact. Still a great question for me. And on this one point curious about others experience if anyone wants to share and if you read this far.

