Over the last days some pretty significant triggers regarding safety. I clearly remember an experience in grad school in 1994 in a room with 200 people I’d suddenly reverted to being four years old. The head of the university had noticed and called on me and I named how unsafe I felt.
Then about three years ago I spent an entire day in terror. I had no access to my protectors or to any spiritual awareness. I got to re-experience the childhood trauma of feeling radically unsafe with no one seeming to notice or being able to support me. In many ways it was the most horrifying experience of this lifetime.
Again on Thursday this came up and I had a complete meltdown. This young child feeling totally unprotected and unsafe. I could name the childhood wound that was clearly triggered by this experience ir name that I have great gratitude because I finally broke through what had felt like a veil/ vow of silence not to name the feelings of unsafety.
My sense is this is up in a big way for the collective whether it’s about housing, money, transportation, relationships, health, support Insurance, isolation, depression and anxiety or overwhelm or a myriad of other things. For some it’s their actual life being threatened.
The beauty for me of the moment on Thursday is that I finally broke through a pattern I’ve been playing with for months. Not being able to speak when I don’t feel safe and name the feeling of unsafety or name the feeling of disconnection or feeling disregarded in a relationship. To do so without blame is tricky business still at times for this one. With full ownership.
And yes I want to love my character and care for her I also don’t want to have that be my ultimate awareness. In the end, who is unsafe?
I chose this image because at times I feel totally overwhelmed by what’s coming up as though I won’t be able to have the strength to let it pass through. And then I start laughing at the whole drama often. This sense of humor is saving grace.
