Want to riff on suffering because hey that sounds like a fun thing to do. My Saturday plans just got completely altered so now I have time to contemplate this.
OK this is subtle for me still but a few weeks ago I witnessed myself create tremendous suffering because I couldn’t let go of an attachment. I literally was watching myself freak myself out and yet I could not let go. So then I been contemplating my history of suffering. First I thought there was something wrong with me because I was always anxious and overwhelmed. Then I discovered I am what’s known as a highly sensitive person with a brain tracking safety and danger. Then I discovered there’s something called a matrix that does not seemingly wish well for humankind. Seemingly its job is 24 seven to promote separation and fear. So for about a year and a half I put my attention on that figuring if we can get rid of that matrix all would be well. I literally have memories of the future and awareness of existence on other dimensions. And it feels much more graceful and pleasant. So the contrast to living now in this dynamic and this density has been rather an ouch. And the whole game is to figure the way out of that matrix.
So seemingly the obvious solution is destroy the matrix. But since the matrix is made up of the collective shadow no one person can do that. And if it’s done on the external level it will just re-create itself. So the realization I’ve come to is that I need to change my dominant thought about life itself, about my very existence, about my actual identity. Nothing else is a permanent solution and will only provide temporary satisfaction.
Since I allowed myself to open to the frequency of unconditional love and wholeheartedness the contrast between that and my current experience it’s a sword cutting away all that’s false in me. At times it can be quite uncomfortable. And yesterday I was projecting it onto community as the ultimate solution. Speaking with a few people who seemingly have a wonderful community which I deeply value. If only I had that then I would be happy. In other words still externally projecting. Good luck with that.
Yes I often envy people who seemingly did not get the alchemical gong going off in their head / heart/ soul saying time to wake up. Some seem to lead simple and harmonious lives. They seem not to be going through a savage awakening. so then I could get hung up on the fact that I seem to be going through something like a savage awakening or I live in the Times that have been biblically predicted as the apocalypse. Better not let that concept become something fixed I hold on to, just another way station. And what does Apocalypse really mean? To be revealed or to uncover. What’s being revealed to this one is how this mind can circle eternally in suffering. Until a seemingly narrow aperture opens up and the way to freedom lights up. It’s so simple it’s easy to miss. And I can’t hold onto it or grasp it. I can only live my way into it. Step-by-step.
For anyone going through this process my heart is with you. I wish you safe passage. I wish you ease and grace. I wish that you don’t feel alone. I wish that you feel and are supported. I wish that you know the radiance of your own being.
And finally I want to acknowledge two beloveds who shone on me yesterday. One a dear friend from the age of 19, the other who gave me such a gift of generosity my heart is singing and my eyes flooded with tears. May we all know the blessings of interdependence. May we all know the visceral nature of our unified connection.
