Got to be circled just now around what I had been calling my joy nazi. After a lifetime of anxiety, overwhelm, intense sensitivity etc. this part wants to ensure I stay in a more joyful state. Yet in its attempts to ensure this goal, it can be rather unskillful. It can try to fix or change others so as to bypass or diminish the sadness that arises when encountering others suffering sometimes. (other times it is simple witnessed in spacious Presence with unutterable compassion.) It can subtle try to manipulate group energy to something lighter. It can be frustrated or annoyed by what it perceives as paralyzing suffering or victim energy.
All spiritual ego of course. Since I am aware it is suboptimal, I had been shaming and blaming this energy. I have not been embracing it and discovering its needs fully until this morning. This part is so grateful for the joy, peace, enthusiasm that is now more of my daily experience, it has taken its role of protecting me from returning to the sense that I could not survive in the density of this planet. Instead of being grateful and listening to this part’s needs, I was often trying to shift myself or another to a more preferred state. Yet interestingly when given its voice and allowed to feel the way it feels, each time it has come in with great compassion and an ability to be with another’s most profound grief without flinching, even feeling really spacious and welcoming.
Today after being given its voice, it became a friend and ally to an energy of stuck-ness that it seemed the person experiencing the stickiness and others were trying to push away. Once it was able to befriended the stuck energy synchronistically yet not unexpectedly the stuck-ness began to move. I felt such a comradeship with this previously alienated part of another.
Writing this to remind myself to do my best to live through this move through polarity with grace. For so many lifetimes, decades, so identified with heaviness and intense anxiety/overwhelm. Then moved to euphoric yet unground joy. Now slowly finding the balance point or zero point. Play in progress. Wish to truly embrace the play as it unfolds.
p.s. this part is now known as joy ally.
