I was listening to Tim Whild. He was talking about our garden (ha, it’s supposed to say guardian angels but I like garden as well maybe even better) angels and how they’ve been with us since the beginning not just of this birth but eons and eons back. Tears formed in my eyes and I had to stop listening to send gratitude to my angel. I know the names of some of my guides but I don’t think I know the name of my guardian angel. I’m listening now to hear it.
Can you imagine the joy of finally feeling safe in this body, safe on earth, safe in most of my relationships? To have beloved relationships where I feel met body heart and spirit. I then put my hand on the wall of this house and again had tears of gratitude for the shelter it’s given me as I went through this profound and deep dive into the hell of the demons within. It was in this home that I wasn’t sure I could stay on this planet. It was in this home that I raised my daughter as I myself was falling apart. It was in this home that my 23 1/2 year relationship ended, Faced a serious illness, lost my financial stability, lost my health insurance etc. etc. etc.. Now through it all I know I can trust it served me at the deepest depths of my heart and soul.
This home is surrounded by nature and I sit outside now listening to the birds calling to me. Can you begin to imagine how it feels to wake up with joy in my heart instead of terror, overwhelm or fear? Can you imagine what it feels like to be able to extend kindness to a person who’s judging me, listen to a friend show up and share her “unskillful” behavior to me and be able to embrace her with love? Can you imagine the gratitude and the Joy? I hope so, because I simply can’t put it in words.
This body now feels safe enough to be lighter. For so long I didn’t feel safe on this planet or inintimate relationships and used weight to anchor myself here. But since January 5 I have let go of sugar in my diet and most carbs.
Interestingly what I realized last week was I had created an enemy image of sugar or bread. So I ate a bite of a chocolate chip cookie and a bite of Easter candy and my life did not fall apart. I actually ate an entire loaf of that amazing gluten-free Heartwood bread in my weight did not go up instead it went down. A beloved did this with alcohol. He had had challenges in that area and had given it up completely and then started using it medicinally to prove to himself that a drop of alcohol would not throw him into addiction.
Of course this is a very sensitive subject and each must choose for themselves. This is the choice that serves me. It’s one thing for me to choose what is not serving this body, it’s another to believe that something external could harm it. Play in progress to know that I am the creator of my own reality at all levels. And until I know that at the core, I will continue to do things that feel nourishing to this body.
I love this image. If anyone knows the creator please let me know and I will happily acknowledge them.
PS. A few minutes later. And this isn’t to say that my life is a bed of roses. I could tell you that yesterday I was so exhausted I considered not going to the gym for my swim. I could show you how incredibly messy my bedroom is. I could tell you all sorts of things that might even evoke pity. For me this is a game of attention. Where do I choose to keep my attention? What is the foundational energetic I feed? What view of myself do I choose to hold? For me this is what creates my current reality. I choose to be impeccable with my word as often as I am conscious of it. Actually in some ways my life is a bed of roses beautiful with thorns.
PSS. And I’m done with the crucifixion route of learning. I’m done with suffering as my teacher. I’m totally on board with simply being informed with a gentle nudge. Just in case anybody upstairs is listening giggle.

