This one so alive in my system feel it might help me to detail it. So I have one living relative that I now see I want to (previously subconsciously) blame for my childhood “trauma.” The main protagonist no longer lives so easy to switch the energy to another character. I see how I have counted this persons “sins” over and over again, repeating the story for years to anyone who would listen of the transgressions. Many felt furious on my behalf. None are egregious in a big way, just emotional mismatches and wounds.
So when the latest round unfolded, I was ready to give the heave ho to this person. Like I could shove the energy into the basement. Good luck with that!
Since I am now really focused, I see how I have ignored or discounted any moments of kindness which included a huge one a my wedding reception. No, I have to keep counting the sins.
The final straw was I had asked this person to do one thing for me and they refused. I asked that they not offer unsolicited advise. The refusal gave me the chance to write them off.
But if it is truly ALL my responsibility and creation, what then? I say nothing about others decisions to cut off someone with clear boundaries. I truly don’t know what is best still for me to do. Except one thing is clear. What is my soul trying to reveal to me?
So now this person seeming has a different story from the ongoing one that is almost 3 decades long. They now tell me that the grievance that has poked at me these long years never happened! Oh my my righteous agitation at that one! That’s it! Your out!
Yet then they came back with a new energy naming that they felt disturbed that I could even think that. What!?! I decide to cut you off and you show some care? My whole upset was this person never seemed to care about my feelings and needs, the big theme/ wound of childhood. And now you say you care?
A FB friend said it is possible this person is LITERALLY on a different timeline/ reality where it truly never happened. Even considering this I have had to look at what that would do to my righteous victim story. Now if she TRULY is in a reality where it never happened, what do it do? Just that possibility has forced me to see how attached I am to my sad story. I get to be the victim and garner sympathy. This is not to discount my genuine hurt which I have definitely given room to feel. But I am super curious witnessing the need to hang on to this old story. Why? What does it give me? Why not take her at her word and choose again, see how it plays? If this new version of this person still ignores my feelings and needs, cool, then let go. But I see how reluctant I am to even give her a chance. There is something REALLY significant happening for me here.
Would love to hear if others have faced something like this and any realizations. I can feel the reluctance to let go. Not going to do a spiritual bypass yet would love to get to the root of this one. Play in progress!!!!!
I have the sense it has to do with either taking full responsibility for my life and reality or allowing trauma to make me a victim of random events that I have no responsibility for. For me there is a way I can use trauma not to have to take responsibility for everything that happens to me. And yes, this is a hard one to swallow especially when the trauma is so huge (which mine is not.) Either this spiritual principle is real or not. Yikes!
Who would I be without this story? whoa!
