I asked my daughter today what she thought was the worst aspect of my parenting. She said that I was so emotional and needy. True true. Super proud to have shifted a lot of those dynamics. I asked her if it didn’t bother her that I could be so controlling. She did said she didn’t care cause she never let me control her even from the age of two or three. Also true. I asked her if it was difficult that I wasn’t able to allow her anger but unfortunately we got off track so I still don’t know the answer. And what’s really miraculous to me is that I could hear all of this without any feelings of guilt or shame. I know I did/do absolutely the best I could and so I could not ask anything more of myself. And I would say the love shines through.
Later:
In the night I realize some thing I hadn’t seen at the time. The reason I asked the question was I have some residual guilt that I wasn’t able to hold her anger. I thought that would be at the top of her list but she didn’t even mention it until I asked her. I can say now that making peace with her particular ego defense especially given my childhood dynamics has been Mount Everest for me. To see that I finally succeeded in a powerful way is such a gift to me. I feel so liberated that after years of attention I finally moved this dynamic. So grateful. For me this is the power of these times to move energies that I used to pay attention to for years before they budge and now they’re moving sometimes in months or even weeks or even days.
Now a week later I asked her again about how I rejected her anger, often walking away when she was angry, had she found that difficult? It is the one thing I still feel a little bit guilty about. Turns out it was no big deal to her seemingly, she didn’t appear to have any energy on it. Once again I discover I did not have “shared reality,” the same version of what mattered in this case.
