What’s been coming up for me big time is how because of particular childhood dynamic, for much of my life I have sought men to fulfill an inner need. As I recognize more fully that the thing that’s been missing is my own access to the divine masculine within, things are on the move.
Perhaps because I knew I had to access this internally in order for it to show up in my life externally in the way I truly desire, I have not had many men in the last decade seemingly caring much about my desires. This after 28 1/2 years in a row in two back to back intimate relationships. And that’s perfect. I truly see it’s an inner job, but for real!
Yesterday I had a little panic attack When a situation arose that I felt in capable of dealing with. I wanted somebody to help me I didn’t know how to do it myself. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I came out of the building in shock. And I sat myself down in the car and said to myself, you need to get a hold of yourself. I set a timer and did five minutes of the presence process. I calmed down enough and was clear that I couldn’t take action on what happened that seemingly needed my attention immediately. Later I could recognize how this experience mirrored a significant trauma 3 1/2 years ago that I had never processed.
Divine synchronicity that I had four beautiful messages from men today one of which was a long phone conversation. This was with my oldest friend someone I met at university and moved to California with. He was my roommate for the first year and a half I lived here. And then I received another message that has me in absolute tears. It was from a man I haven’t known that long and he said something along the lines of that it matters to him so much that my feelings and needs are met and that I am supported. I can feel how this deep deep deep wound is both surfacing and being knit together Strand by strand. That was simply something that was not available to me as a child. Still crying. And two other beautiful brothers reached out to me to support me with something. One of them is so beautiful in its vulnerability and openness.
May you too know that you are supported and loved. from my heart to yours.
Later:
About six week ago my one friend john told me I needed to love the male figure that has seemingly been the catalyst for the most trauma in my life. Today talking to another john he said he can’t believe that I hadn’t seen this pattern before of not trusting people in one sense yet more particularly strong men to respond to my needs or desires but I didn’t. No surprise that I lost my reading glasses because this was so close to me I literally couldn’t see it. Of course having the predominant male figure in your life never seemingly care about your feelings or needs, never expressing love is certain to create trauma. As best as I can tell this is way way too common with one key figure or another of both genders. I’ve looked at this so many different ways, never recognized how it taught me to believe that no healthy powerful male would ever be able or interested in truly caring deeply or sometimes at all about my needs. So generally I would pick men who needed me more than I needed them. Now that I’m choosing to be in relationships with powerful male friends, no surprise this is coming up. What a freaking ride.
I see changing the system is one of the most crucial elements of the new earth
