Anatomy of worry.
A dear friend of mine just wrote to me that he thought it looked like I’d had a fun trip. The truth is the trip was very mixed for me. I had received instructions months ago to make a trip on those days. My sense is that they were some extremely powerful days for me and it would be easier for the body to be supported by the beauty of nature. I anticipated going to Shasta but smoke made me change my mind and choose the coast.
The body had been dragging so I wondered how I could even get myself there. The last 33 miles is incredibly windy sometimes with sheer drops and nothing I experienced as easy particularly when the body was dragging. Yet the trip there was effortless and I finally mastered that concern.
My first day there was Friday and the body felt worse than ever. It felt like there was some kind of acid running through my veins and even standing up felt like I was slogging through mud. If I hadn’t been at the coast I probably would’ve just laid on my bed all day but I forced myself to get up and go to my power place on the headlands. It didn’t really do anything for me. And then because of the weather it seems my only day to go to my favorite beach was on this day. I dragged myself there and felt completely indifferent to one of my favorite places on earth. I felt cold and grumpy. I wondered if I’d have the strength to make the steep climb back to my car. I had wanted to go in the water and I splashed myself a bit but was afraid if I lowered myself into the water I might get knocked over. Since I was alone and the water was so cold it didn’t feel safe.
I got back to my car And an extremely aggressive huge truck was tailgating me outrageously and I became absolutely furious. I must’ve screamed the F word 20 times before I finally found a space to pull over and let him get ahead of me. And then I drove like a mad woman to try to tailgate him as rage was coursing through my veins. Thank God he finally pulled off than i was driving for some dinner when I saw an easily accessible beach with no waves. I jerked suddenly over to the beach and was able to go straight into the water and my energy shifted instantly. From then on I was having amazing experiences. I have been directed to go to a Thai restaurant and I had the most lovely exchange with the waitress/cook. Now my heart was singing.
Throughout the day I’ve been worried about all kinds of nonsense little things that seem so real. It took me much of the day to figure out that worrywas processing through my system. This has been a big charge for much of my life undoubtedly related to the awareness that one of my parents was an extreme worrier.  Yet in recent years worry was not much part of my life. One concern that had persisted on this trip was the drive home. A huge rain storm was predicted, The first rain in six or seven months and logic told me to go home before the storm. I would mention my concern about driving that windy road and people would warn me how dangerous it is after the first rain, slippery and slick, how many accidents there are on that stretch. My mind kept insisting I go home before the rain but my heart and soul told me to stay.
My worry continue to be reflected back to me as one woman told me it would be a hurricane or typhoon. I kept hearing these warnings yet my heart kept me steady. And finally my soul sister Ngaire told me that she had received a message that I was safe. I tucked that into my heart.
What’s truly miraculous is that I had two extraordinary experiences on the afternoon and evening I would’ve been headed home had I listen to fear. Perhaps I’ll write about them later.
On the morning of the drive home I woke up to pounding rain. Someone invited me to his art gallery and I was extremely interested. I popped in yet I could feel how my body was dominated by the fear of the drive. My body was screaming at me to get on the road and I finally listened to it. Despite how interested I was in this man and his art, I respected the body concern and headed out midday when a break in the rain was predicted and did show up. To make the drive I had to not listen to my previous fear when drivers would tailgate me so aggressively that I would feel pushed to speed up. I promised myself I’d be the slowest driver in the world and I was. Anyone who knows me knows that’s not my normal style. I listen to my concerns instead of pooh-poohing it as I may have done in the past.
I had my buddy Jesus as my copilot and would sometimes reach out to hold his hand. It’s a little Jesus doll I was guided to buy during the time where I literally could not say the word Jesus due to trauma from being raised Catholic. We (Jesus and I) ended up having a wonderful trip with some mini miracles with the rain stopping at particularly treacherous areas or when I needed to get out of the car to get gas etc.
I chose to detail this because sometimes I hear stories about my life it seems like it’s just a cakewalk. For me it’s being able to say yes to the challenges and to the Grace, to the miracles and to the obstacles to loves presence. For me, that is freedom.
