forgiveness and freedom – Rising As Love

There have been four long-term relationships where I put a tremendous amount of time and energy to bring them to zero point, to forgiveness, to Unity. I reached that space with all but one of them. What’s interesting is I finally reached genuine compassion with the most challenging relationship of my life, the one that for so long kept me cycling in trauma and a lack of safety. Yet one other relationship still remained. This one is something I have put conscious attention on for decades and I still find myself in judgment, out of compassion, out of unity.

I spent an entire year on a relationship project with this person as part of my masters program. At the end of the year I still felt incredibly separate. I’ve tried every trick every process every truth every awareness with this person and it has not created lasting change. I apologize for my part of the interaction, I did everything in my awareness and still there was no heart connection, there was still an inner separation within me. I finally gave up.

I was grateful I no longer got headaches, I no longer cringed, I no longer felt much of anything. But the neutrality was an absence not a presence. I literally had given up and honestly (but not truly considered the other person to blame.

Yet with these relentless high frequencies it started niggling me again. This one place of inner separation began to feel mildly unsettling. Over the last week I used two processes in two groups to try to get in touch with what might be going on. I did it again today where I took on what I perceived to be this person‘s personality and behaviors. Yet I could not comprehend what would make a person act like this, behave like this. I literally could not get it. The entire process left me confounded and frustrated until the 11th hour.

In the 11th hour somebody in the group said she could identify more with the person I was acting out then she could with me the authentic Savannah. As she explained why and she did so with vulnerability. She did this after I had asked sincerely and with compassion what was going on for her. It was not that hard for me to look past certain behaviors that yes in some ways mimicked the person I had not yet been able to forgive. I was greeting the behavior with true curiosity and compassion. I did not have a lifetime of history with this person. The woman responded with vulnerability and my jaw fell open. Because finally for a split second I had. Compassion. I saw. I knew.

I wish I could tell you I was able to hang onto that awareness. I actually met with the woman afterwards to explore it further. She gave me great insight into this relationship that has been so problematic for me. She told me that she saw that I was trying to get something from this person, some understanding, some concern, some care, some opening. She told me that from her point of view the person I was trying to interact with was literally incapable of what I wished, incapable of greeting me or meeting me. Wow.

Until now my inner child would yank me out of the situation saying I can’t take it, I need to be met, I need to be cared for. I did not have enough inner containment for this young part of myself to be in that situation and have compassion. What’s niggling me now is that perhaps I could take care of my young vulnerable part of myself and have space to meet this other with compassion and curiosity. Just a thought of it partially makes me want to run and not risk it. But I suspect overtime more of me will feel compelled to clear out the pocket of separation that exist in my own heart. Why? While a small part of me would like to do it for the other person, more of me knows that if I want unity, true wholeheartedness, this too must pass through. That doesn’t mean I would condone the way this person has treated me, I would simply understand that was the best they were capable of. If they could do better they would. I would know that with every cell of my being. Super relieved to know it at least in some small way. Play very much in progress.

Few minutes later: adding the last image I started laughing. I saw I had make it been making myself Catholic sinful. I saw I was blaming myself for this judgment. The last image simply had me giggling and the heaviness lifted. Fuck it maybe one day I’ll get this and maybe one day I won’t.