My relationship focus today is on aloneness. A profound aloneness that feels different from the past has been a major part of my experience for the last weeks? Months? There are moments when it feels absolutely unbearable. There are moments when I escape by creating some experience to transmute the intensity. And yet I know deep in my soul with everything I am that this is serving me greatly.
It’s only a few days ago that I got to have the visceral experience of the cost of separation, believing I can be separated from love. It was brutal and liberating. It’s so easy to believe that I need love to come to me from the outside. My favorite rescue remedy du jour is community. I already passed through the codependency of believing it’s a man, it’s a child. Been there done that. But surely I should be focused on community? Surely that’s the Only antidote for these times? And truly I believe it is vital. Yet I notice I’m trying to put the cart before the horse. Until I fully embrace that I can never be alone, that I’ve never been alone and I will never be alone, I will still be in the spin cycle. Whenever I look outside myself for an answer, I am negating the truth of who I am. I am source. I am love. It’s the only thing that answers all questions, it’s the only thing that brings peace.
And yes it still appears I don’t have this being human thing down very well and part of me thinks I should try to put that first. Part of me thinks I’m still doing some sort of bypass and possibly I am. I choose to love the one who’s not sure. Yet I know this with every cell in my being. There’s only one answer that will serve, one answer that negates all questions. And that is to know that the separation never happen. I and my father are One. It seems the gateway to knowing this viscerally is through aloneness. Let the games continue.
Feeling called to close all escape hatches.
It comes down to this. To believe we are separated from Source is EXTREMELY painful. Lucky it never happened.